Photo a Day May: A favourite place – 19.

A favourite place – the place that is the ice cream happy place.  Its a good place to be isn’t it? 

Photo a Day May: Something you do everyday – 9.

Love.
I love everyday.  Sometimes not enough, but never too much.
And seriously? I cannot think of a better way to capture love than with this photo. 
At one point, Lily was close to him and that too would have been a great depiction of love. A capture of my boy un his jammies playing by the river though… perfect.
Just look at that face. Expression. Heart.
That ain’t nothing but love.  Believe me when I say, this boy loves hard.

Photo a Day May: Someone who inspires you – 7.

Gosh, really? Where do I begin? This sweet little being, the soul full of beauty and love has taken me on the wildest journey that I have ever been.  Who ever thought?  One little boy can hold so very much of the word in his tiny hands.  He can take that world, shake it all around, turn it upside down and all around, and we still have smiles on our faces, crumbs and stains on our clothes, and so very much love to give.  He has inspired me, on a very surface and simple level, to love, to heal, to give, to receive, to battle – in the most gentle but assertive and meaningful sense of the word, and to learn how to find patience.  Sometimes its a struggle.  But it always feels instinctual. Its just the journey, how I get there, thats maybe not.  Thats all a part of the fun, however.  Cadester, you make my world go round.  You teach me.  You glow in this certain way that I have never ever before witnessed. Keep on shinin’ baby boy, mama loves you.

Photo a Day May: Fun – 4

Today just had to be a tie.  And it was almost tripled because I received some absolutely delicious looking flowers today at work.  Mother’s Day accidentally came early. No qualms here, but I figured the two chosen photos more captured the essence of fun than did flowers, as fun as flowers can be and are.

So I present to you, readership, one of the best ways to start the weekend off, eating a Thai meal with your loves and then frolicking in the outdoors.  Kind of perfect if you ask me.  And… fun.

It’s Thursday, alright?

Sometimes, mornings are really rough.  They’re even worse when the night before did not go as smooth as I often idealize it in my mind.  Sometimes they don’t go as smooth as they used to go, and since that standard was once set, my hopes are high.  Lately though, they’ve been getting knocked down, because this little peanut sometimes thinks sleeping is for babies.  And heaven forbid he is still a baby, ’cause he’s a big kiddo now.

Oh babies, oh kidlets, they keep us on our toes.

So it’s really a blessing that I have these… bribes?  Awesomes?  Lovelies?… in my life, to motivate me to drag my sorry, tired arse out of my warm, cozy bed.
For reals – THIS, THESE, THEM… are what get me out of bed. Each. and. every. day.

And of course, cannot forget our dear canine companion.

 

What do you get up for on those really rough mornings?  

Newness.

To me, autumn has always stood for ‘change’ or at least the strong desire for change.  I get antsy at the end of summer, knowing fall is coming.  Fall always meant transition in terms of the school years.  I’d start grade 1, then 2… then high school… then university, then so on.  The first fall not going to university was weird, because I felt like I was playing some weird form of hooky.  Typically I want to do things in fall like take up a new hobby, change my sense of fashion, get a new hairstyle, or do something drastic.

This year, we’re going for low-key.

Hence.

The new template.  I checked out the new templates on WordPress, and this one specifically called out to me.  In a month, maybe it won’t, but for now, I’m all about the simplicity, the minimalistic approach.  There’s a few different things with the template – mainly being that blog subscriptions, recent & top posts, categories & tags, and archives are now at the very bottom of the page.  Other than that, I like how it’s streamlined.  I’m a fan of tweaking, and so I’d like to eventually tweak the template to my liking.  I love making new headers, so that might be something I attempt as well.

This weekend has been a busy one so far, and so my posts are always scrambled, ramshackled posts put together at the very end of the night, into the wee morning hours.  Not productive for my creative needs in the least, but it is what it is.

The biggie of the day, aside from the cake batter frozen yogurt topped with a whole shwack load of goodies from Pure Frozen Yogurt Bar, is that my boy is TEN MONTHS OLD.  So insane.  So bizarre.  So surreal.  He has been earthside longer]

than he has been wombside and that?  THAT is just, wow.  I still have days where I look at him, smiling, rolling, climbing, crawling around and think to myself, fer real?  You are mine?  Forever and ever?  How did I get this lucky?  How did I score this amazing life?  Of course, there are days where I look at him, screaming, crying, fighting sleep SO very VERY hard, and standing/climbing/sitting when he is supposed to be sleeping and think to myself, fer real?  You are mine?  AND YOU WON’T SLEEP?  NOT EVER?  How did I get this tired, this sleep-deprived?

But so yes, a whopping 10 months old he is, which, as I mentioned a couple posts ago, means we’re only 2 months away from Doomsday, rather, this mama’s return to work.  Can’t focus on it, can’t focus on it, can’t focus on it.  For now, I shall and I must and I will enjoy my boy to the fullest extent possible.   I just hate feeling like the next 2 months have to be solely spent preparing him for daycare, ensuring his sleep is top-notch, and ensuring he is ready.  I get that those things are important, but seriously, I’d rather be laughing and putting funny things on my head to entertain my boy rather than stressing out over ensuring that such and such “habit” is kicked because gosh forbid he carries that particular “habit” with him to daycare.  Double sigh.   HE.  IS.  A.  BABY.  With baby needs.  And really, my priority, is meeting those needs.

I ain’t no sucker, I’m just a mama.

Happy 10 months to my precious, <3

It’s So Much More Than Just The Thighs.

 

I’ve thought to myself many times, will my son ever forgive me for some of the pictures I post of him, publicly, on the Internet?  Will he care that his most beautiful, most precious baby thighs are slapped here, amongst a few late-night words, not ONLY for the sake of a post, but for the bulk of a post, at least?

There’s really so much more to it than that.  I’ve often wondered to myself, should I be blogging so much about my son’s life, should I be plastering his photos for all the world to see?  I’ve thought about it so much, and really, that is a post for another day.  I’m curious about other mama’s bloggers perspectives on this, and if they have certain personal ‘rules’ they abide by.  I mean, obviously there’s some things I just wouldn’t blog about.  But I have blogged about our take on circumcision, for example, and our choices and decisions around that.  Will he care, when he’s 10 and essentially everybody knows about his most precious boy parts?
The ethics of it all.  Not even just that, the morality, humanity aspect of it too.  I obviously would never seek to exploit or harm my child, or to damage him, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.  I want nothing but the best for my baby.  By exercising my creativity and my quest for inner peace and spirituality, am I harming my son’s sense of self in the process?  It’s really up for debate, and I don’t think there is a right answer.  I do think there are lines that need to and should be drawn, and I think as he gets older, we will figure out exactly where and how those lines need to be drawn indeed.  But for now, this face-less photo of the cutest baby thighs I ever did see.  It’s late, and I am partially posting just to post, but mostly, I am posting because this is something that I’ve thought about incessantly and I don’t want to forget about it.
Happy Friday, Happy Weekend, and Happy Baby! xo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hiatus.

I WAS on one, and it was not intentional.  But two weeks does go pretty fast.  And all I can think is 2 weeks multiplied about 5 times equals the amount of time before I go back to work and that is just insane and makes me sad and slightly anxiety-ish?  But not so much so that I cannot manage to live a satisfying and content, happy life.  Just so we’re clear.

So before I “get into it”, I’m setting a personal goal for myself and am inviting anyone to join me in this quest.  I vow to blog every day of September.  That’s 30 days straight of blogging.  And to clarify, blogging can be a photo, a smattering of words that may or may not make sense, a review of a product, or a random jumbled paragraph of what may seem like nothing.  I’ve taken this challenge on before, during other months, and I’m not even sure if I’ve succeeded.  So I guess we’ll see where this leaves me.  If I can complete a running program, surely I can exercise my brain, my spirit, my emotions every day at least once, right?

Sooooo, daycare.  A hot topic amongst our world and our family.  It’s on the very near horizon, and thankfully we’ve mostly sorted things out.  I found our caregiver on Kijiji, and the very next day, Kyle came home with contact information for a daycare provider recommended to him from someone at work.  It was the same person!  So, basically, my cosmical way of sometimes thinking tells me that there is something inherently right about this and so we ought to give it a shot.  We met with her, thought about things, though it didn’t take much as Kyle and I (especially me) tend to have a pretty good intuition about things like this.  Good vibes all around and so we decided it’s a go.  Having secured someone we felt good about and someone that appears to connect with the Boy slightly lessens my anxiety.  But it’s still there, oh no, it’s still there. 

We’re into September now.  Almost 24 hours into September, and only 1 month away from when I have to answer with “next month” when people ask me when I go back to work.  That’s only mildly frightening.  While I feel good about our daycare provider, and I know, deep down, that it will be good for Cade and that he will have a ton of fun, I sometimes feel slightly nauseous when I think about another person essentially raising our child.  Or at least providing a substantial great amount of care for him.   Now, my own mama is a daycare provider and has been since I was a wee tot, and so I don’t want to crush anyone by saying I feel sick about someone other than us caring for our child.  That’s not what I mean, and I know that it’s merely going to be an adjustment.  A big adjustment.  Like, a really huge adjustment.  I know that my mom has changed lives.  She has formed bonds, bridged gaps, and maintained relationships with children and families she’s provided care for.  That is huge and speaks volumes.  She’s doing something right, it’s obvious.

Cade doesn’t seem to “make strange” with other people, and so I’m hoping that sticks, because that is going to make this transition as smooth as possible.  I think.  For him and for us.   If he cries when we drop him off, and he very well might, I am going to lose my shit.  It’s not going to be pretty and I am going to be a blubbering mess.  To top things off, our work environment is converting to cubicles rather than shared offices.  That is also not going to be pretty, not if I’m a red, teary, snotty-nosed crying mess with nowhere to go.  I don’t want pity, I don’t want none of that, and I won’t have any of that, but I’m going to be needing to release big time.  Did I mention that I am often a blubbery mess at the best of times, let alone after I drop my son off at, essentially, a stranger’s house, to go to WORK after being off, bonding and getting to know my son, for ONE WHOLE YEAR?  Guh.  GUH.

I know I’m not the first.  I know I’m not the last.  This isn’t some weird, rare phenomenon that I am going back to work.  Though some of those crazy mean parents might think I am a horrendous parent for leaving my son and going back to work.  I guess so be it.  I know that I am not a horrendous parent.  I know that we don’t have an option and so we will make things work.  Do I wish we had done things differently in the past, had a whopping debt load of zero, and I could stay home or at least work very part-time, so I could be the primary caregiver meeting my son’s needs on a Monday-Friday basis?  Why, yes, yes I do.  But that is not how things have panned out and so I am coming to terms with what we have to do.

Like I said, I think that Cade is a pretty social little one.  I think he will be fine.  I think he will need an adjustment period to get comfortable, but he’s a human being, we all need to transition and we all need certain things to feel comfy.  Will I be looking forward to my EDO’s (every third Friday off) more than ever?  Uhh, loud and clear, YES YES YES!  Cade and I are going to have the best Fridays off in the whole entire world and I’m already looking forward to them, but not THAT much, because looking forward to them means I am that much closer to being back at work, and well, I’ve already ‘went there.’

The past year has been entirely transformative for me, for us.  It’s insane, really.  While I’m still me, I feel different and I feel like this person, ME, has sustained a whole lot of growth.  I guess becoming a parent does that to you, and it can happen pretty quickly.   From being pregnant, growing a life, a brain, a heart, limbs, a personality, inside of me for 9 months, to going through the marathon of labour and delivery, to turning into a parent just like THAT, I’ve changed.  Grown.  Realized new priorities, things in our life that are important to us now, that we didn’t think twice about before.  Life is different and while in many ways a lot more difficult, in every way, it’s better and more fulfilling.  While I’ve been fully emerged into the work of being a mama, I have been away from outside of the home work, and this too has made a huge impact on things.  For one, I never realized how fully consuming work can be and is.  5 o’clock means the physical work day is done, but as much as I like to think I don’t take stuff home with me, I DO.  TOTALLY.  It just happens like that, and I guess that is where self-care and being able to check-out to a certain degree come into play.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the field of social work does not always make it easy to do that, and figuring out boundaries and a balance is one of the most challenging things ever.

I’ve been busy with a newborn, and then a baby who moves around non-stop, from rise to sleep, but I still have a brain that is thinking, processing, and working.  In a different way, yes, but it’s doing what it needs to be doing, and in that sense, life has taken a different turn.  I have a family now, and going back to work is going to be a huge shift and a really insane almost surreal adjustment.  Will I be a more efficient and effective social worker than I was before because I feel like my empathy has grown tenfold?  Or will I be a lousy worker because I will be too emotionally attached to everybody and everything?  A friend and I were talking once about how our emotions run so incredibly high after having a baby, and she stated that she felt it was because we feel like we have “given birth to everything” and so have a connection that is so.  Will this be the case at work?  I’m anxious, excited, and nervous to see where this “new” path of work leads me, my emotional well-being, and my family.  Chaos or connections?  Conundrum or charisma?

I’m constantly blasting Kyle’s ears off with self-revelations, affirmations on how I have grown as a person, ideas of where I want to go with my life, my career, my passions.  At this point, I have so many.  And while a lot of them are the same, some of them have changed.  It is going to be a balance of priorities, a balance of my passions, and a balance of my duties, in a sense.  Can I combine my birthy obsessions with social work?  I think I can.  I’ve always considered myself to be an empathetic, passionate, and caring person, and I feel like the transformation to motherhood has only enhanced these qualities in me.  I am more assertive, though some might argue that started when I was pregnant.  Though some might argue that my assertiveness was not assertiveness at all as much as it was aggression.  I would disagree, though I guess that point is moot.

SO while the subject of Hiatus has turned into much more than that, they are one and the same, really.  I sort of feel like my hiatus this past year, has been a hiatus from everything that once was, and now has turned into what is, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.  For real.  I have less money than ever before, but for some reason I am happier and more fulfilled.  Gosh, I s’pose babies and children will do that to a mama.

Me and the Fluff.

If I can say this without sounding like the total nerd that I am (it’s true) then I have accomplished something great, but I’m afraid it likely won’t happen, so here goes nothing:  I am addicted to cloth diapering.  Maybe that’s more ridiculous sounding than nerdy, because how the heck does one be totally full-throttle all into DIAPERS, the very thing that involves tons of baby poop and baby pee, and sometimes random food bits that haven’t completely broken down?  And sometimes, said baby poop goes out of the diaper, up the back, and onto everything in close proximity.  How does one truly love something that revolves around all that nasty?

(Apologies for the little hiatus; I was out gallivanting in the trees and the water and the sand and the bushes.)

I will tell you why, in my ode to this very bizarre phenomenon, it is not so much a phenomenon at all.  We started to switch to cloth diapers in April, when the little one was about 5 months old.  I had seen a friend’s status update on Facebook talking about their switch to cloth diapers, and that sparked a whole discussion on the fluff, and how it’s never too late to switch.  I’m sure there were some people who thought we were crazy for wanting to take on cloth.  I wondered if I was crazy, too, but that’s because I knew little about using cloth diapers.  Turns out, a little Googling goes a long way, and I was absolutely swamped in the world of fluff and the lingo surrounding.  AI1′s, AI2′s, pockets, prefolds, fitteds, covers, diaper pail, wet bag, liners, hybrids, FuzziBunz, bumGenius, you name it.  I was slightly overwhelmed, but continued trucking.  I’d do all the research and reading of particular brand reviews, and report back to Kyle.  We decided to pick up a couple different kinds at a local baby store, and we haven’t looked back since.  

But, but, but… the POOP!  It’s a little intimidating for some I’m sure, but I wasn’t really nervous about it because heck, we had been dealing with poopy diapers all along, so it couldn’t be that bad, could it?  I was right – it wasn’t.  By the time we had switched fully to cloth, the little one was eating a lot more solids, and so the poops were corresponding.  We hadn’t invested or created a diaper sprayer, so we were on our own to tackle the poop.  I remember the first time we had to change a poopy diaper.  It was a family affair, and we were both in there, and if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure Kyle volunteered to clean the diaper.  Aw, such love.  But you know what?  It really wasn’t that bad.  Most times now, we can just kinda shake the poop off the diaper, into the toilet, and all is well.  Occasionally, we have to do a bit of a dunk and swish with the diaper cover, but that’s it.  You can even use a flushable, biodegradable liner that all you have to do is flush!  Those add up the costs (only a tiny bit) so we avoid them but use them for when we’re out and about, or someone else will be changing the boy’s bottom.  I feel like I need to go into a long-winded explanation of how to do it, but that’s really it, there’s not much more to it, and it’s really not complicated.  Bonus: if your baby is exclusively breastfed, breastfed poop is water-soluble, so you just have to wipe your baby’s bum, toss the diaper into your wet bag or diaper pail, and off you go. 

There’s so much laundry though, isn’t it just way too much work, and you’re using all that water and energy anyway so you’re not really helping out Mother Earth… I’ll be honest, this argument kind of bugs the crap out of me.  The first part, I get, yes, the laundry seems daunting, but for real, the diaper load is probably my favourite load of laundry to do.  And since we use pocket diapers (a cover, with an opening at either end which you just stuff a microfiber, hemp or bamboo absorbent insert into), often Kyle and I will just sit in the evening, chatting, or watching a show, and stuffing diapers.  It becomes second nature after awhile, and then you have a clean and cute little stash of fluff for the next couple of days.  The laundry really isn’t that bad, it’s as easy as flipping the wet bag (we choose to use a waterproof, zippable wet bag to hold our dirty diapers, and then the bag just goes in the wash too) inside out (so you don’t even have to touch the dirty diapers if you don’t want to) and flipping on the washing machine.  Yeah, it sure is stinky, enough to knock you over, but if you can hold your breath (if you really need to) for 5 seconds, then you’re good to go.

The argument about energy output and water usage, however, irks me.  For one, we line dry outside or inside wherever possible.  We have never once put the covers in the dryer, because sun is the best stain remover ever, and also, we are preserving our diapers this way.  We do dry the inserts, however on really hot days, I’ll toss them outside to dry too.  The energy consumption with disposables, however, is never ending.  The fuels, water, energy, plastic, and human-power used to create, package and transport the diapers to stores, and then to a landfill, where billions of poopy diapers sit for hundreds and hundreds of years does not compare to the recycle factor and reusability of cloth diapers, in my humble opinion.  This isn’t even taking into consideration the bajillions of disposable wipes that are used.  We were using cloth wipes from when Cade was about 3 weeks old, due to a bad diaper rash and sensitive skin, so it only made sense to take it up one more notch.  Here’s a fun little tool to calculate costs of disposables vs. cloth, including water and energy usage.

I don’t consider myself a hard-core environmentalist, but we’re working on it.  Using cloth diapers has totally motivated and encouraged me to choose greener options in my every-day living.   For instance, I got together with a couple of friends and we whipped up a batch of calendula/coconut oil/beeswax/tea tree oil diaper cream (cloth diapers = NO zinc-oxide based creams!!!) that also doubles as an awesome moisturizer skin cream, and it feels awesome to live my life in such a way that is even just a tiny bit more self-sustaining.

I’ve also got a DivaCup on the way, which I ordered half price yesterday.   I’m beyond excited about it, because I’ve been wanting one for awhile, just haven’t taken the plunge.  That was totally the push I needed, I guess.   I want to expand my green knowledge, take it to the next level, and keep on keepin’ on.  I want to be more friendly to my body, friendly to the earth, and friendly to my little guy’s health, and in turn, teach him to do the same.   Hell, I wish I could sew, because I’d love to be able to sew our OWN diapers.  Perhaps one day.  I’ve been doing reading about the No ‘Poo method, making own laundry detergents, and of course cleaning supplies, which we already often do.  Vinegar and baking soda work wonders, however, I’m not gonna lie, I love the smell of some of those nasty chemical cleaning poisons, so I think I ought to invest in a few essential oils to toss in my baking soda and water mix, to freshen things up a bit.  

Ok, back to the fluff.  But, I heard you have to change the diapers way more, and I heard that cloth diapers leak a lot, don’t they?  Oddly enough, I found this link today that brings me to a point I wanted to touch on.   Yes, you do have to change cloth more frequently, especially if your little one is a heavy wetter.  But with that being said, I am totally okay with it for the reasons the writer listed in the aforementioned post.  I am not cool with my little boy sitting in his own urine for hours.  That seems mean and unfair to him, and so, changing more frequently is okay with me.  Does changing diapers ever get old?  Yup.  It sure does.  But you get used to it and you move on.

As for leaks, we had a lot of leak issues in the beginning, which is why I always tell people who are thinking about switching to cloth, to bear with the cloth!  You’re likely to run into some issues, so give yourself an adjustment period.  A couple troubleshooting measures we did were, abolish the use of dryer sheets on our other laundry.  They are a big no-no for cloth diaper loads, but the residue from the sheets can stick to the inside of the dryer and coat your diapers, so we just did away with them on a whole and gave our dryer a good wipe down with water and vinegar.  I think they may have contributed to some repelling/leak issues in the beginning, and even if they didn’t, abolishing the dryer sheets was a good step in the right direction anyway.

Another adjustment we had to get used to was ensuring the diapers were on properly and tight enough.  You might seem like you are putting them on too tight, but if there is too much gaping or loose pocketed areas, material can bunch up and poke through, wicking out moisture faster that you can say leak.  This is one reason why we prefer the snaps over the hook & loop (velcro) style.  Snaps seem to heed a tighter and more snug fit, and also, the little one hasn’t yet figured out how to undo the snaps. ;)

I love to talk about cloth diapers, as you can tell, and so anyone that is even remotely thinking about doing the switch, I always corner them and blather on.  It’s probably a cloth diaper turn-off, in reality, but I like to spit out all the knowledge I have gained from doing research in hopes that I can convert someone else.  There are so many positives that we have discovered, and Kyle and I are both super into it.  We’re saving a crap load of money, we never have to purchase disposables ever again if we don’t want to, you always have a diaper on hand, and if you’re running low, it’s as simple as running to the laundry room and tossing a load in, the environment will thank us and the little one, we can use the stash we bought for our next baby as well, you can customize your absorbency, our boy’s sensitive skin is looking mighty fine and the red, raw, rashy looking bum is few and far between.   Not only that, but the odd time that we use disposables now (we’ve got a tiny little stash left from when we stocked up during my pregnancy), I can’t stand it.  I can admit it, I’m a diaper snob.  Sigh.  But they just smell so raunchy, and they’re so crinkly, and white, and… just not cute in comparison to the fluff that my boy’s bottom is usually adorned in.  Did I say I’m a diaper snob?

One time when I was talking about cloth with someone who was thinking of switching, she tossed out the “wow, that’s awesome, you are such a good mom” card.  Guh.  Thank you, thank you, that’s very sweet, but… and listen up, I’m going to say this loud and clear, my goodness as a mother is not determined by the diapers my boy wears.  Honestly, I may be a diaper snob (only within the confines of my own family), but I do not think using cloth makes me a good mother.  Really, I don’t.  Do I think I am a good mother, why yes I do, but not because of the diapers we use.  I could use Seventh Generation chlorine-free diapers, or Huggies, or Pampers, or homemade cloth diapers, FuzziBunz cloth pocket diapers, or Bummis prefolds, and still be a terrific mother.  We use cloth because 1) it is affordable and we’re on a tight budget 2) we feel that it is better for our precious Earth, and 3) we feel that it is better for our precious boy.   It is a personal decision that we have made and decided is the right choice for the boy and for us as a family, and we’re totally happy with that decision.  I don’t care if you use disposables or if you use cloth or if you practice elimination communication.  I believe that you are doing what you feel is best and what is going to be the best choice for your child and your family, and that is why you are a good mother, a good parent.  With that being said, I’d love to keep talking up the fluff and convert you.  And no, I’m not crazy.  I’m not out of my mind.  It’s really not that bizarre of a concept, and I will do anything I can to normalize it so that more people will get on board.  Like I said, I don’t care how you diaper, but I love talking about cloth and so if you’re wanting to switch, what that means is I will have one more person to blather on with about cloth, and to me, that’s wicked.

Have a happy hump day my dear readers.  I know you are out there.  Let’s talk about things you do in your life that are ‘green’ or ‘crunchy.’  <3 

C25K: Week 9 Day 3, The End!

Or, graduation, as it is called in the Couch-2-5K world.

I DID IT.

I am so stinkin’ proud of myself for completing this program, for running 3 days a week for 9 weeks, no setbacks, nothing, just perks and awesome progress.

I conquered a fear.  I went from a place of complete and utter exhaustion after several interval runs of 60 seconds each, to this, to 30 minutes of running non-stop, and to feeling like I could continue to pound the pavement for many more minutes.   I’ve stuck to my word and I’ve run 3 times a week, as well as basically walked every day of the week.  I have NOT done strength training on the off days as planned, but I do plan to.   That’s the hardest part though – setting out and doing it.  Heading off to the gym, or even the backyard, with a few weights, and going at ‘er.  This is something that I really need to do though, because I really feel my lung capacity building and building, but my overall body strength doesn’t really seem to match up.  I feel like I am and would be capable of more more more and my endurance could be greater, it’s just that I need to build myself up.

I also have not taken weekly photos or measured myself weekly as I had planned.  That’s kind of a bummer, but I’m okay with it.  I would like to measure myself this weekend, weigh myself, and see officially where I’m at.  I think I’ve lost about 11-12 lbs, given what the scale tells me on any given morning, which is my own personal legit weigh-in that I have come to rely on.  The most important thing of all is I feel stronger, I feel healthier, and I feel happier.  The running has taken over this huge health component of my life and has strongly encouraged me to pursue other healthy habits.  Everything in my life, since having Cade, has had such an amazing and positive domino effect that shit, I really have a LOT to thank that little guy for.  For reals though.  Cloth diapers have motivated me to be more enviro-friendly in other areas of my life, hence my deep desire to get a Diva Cup very soon, to use our own cleaning supplies and rid of the chemicals, to minimize the use of plastic snack bags and what have you.  Exercising with such a strong and intense purpose has motivated me to put good stuff into my body, to consume loads and loads of water, and to model this to my boy, so he in turn will feel good about treating his body with respect and love.  Gosh, I really do owe this little angel a lot.  Give it up for Cade, y’all!  And that’s not even the half of it.  Cripes.

I shed a few tears on my run last night.  Did I mention that I am also a sensitive and fragile being since I’ve experienced pregnancy, birthing and becoming a mother?  It’s ridic.  I cry at everything.  I think I actually have mentioned it. It’s a pretty strong and rampant theme in my life right now, so it absolutely trails into my running. I’m one of those saps that chokes up at silly TV commercials. I am one of them.

This whole journey has been extremely emotional and empowering for me. I have shown myself that I can DO things. This body is capable of a whole lot that I might not have thought it was a couple years ago. A whole lot of it is mental. I really had to put my mind to it, I really had to set out and convince myself, tell myself, that I am a capable, strong woman, who can DO shit. And I DID shit, alright. This body, this big ol’ body that I have criticized, that I have had up and down relationships with, that I have loved and loathed, is now one of my friends. We’re becoming all chumpy and what not, once again, and you know what, it feels really good. I am learning to respect it and treat it how it wants to, needs to and should be treated. Rome wasn’t built in a day though, and so we too are learning. How can I treat myself, my body, the vessel that carries all my own most preciousness, in such a disastrous way and expect it to reward me with life? I absolutely cannot, that is not an option and the only thing that was getting in the way of that was fear and self-loathing tendencies. It’s not fair to my family and it is not fair to me to have went on beating myself up, theoretically I mean, with food and bad energy and sedentary ways. So we’re on this journey and I feel so very committed to it, and I can’t even really say that. I don’t feel like it’s apart from me, I don’t feel like it is something tangible that I must grab a hold of and commit to. I feel like I have truly and genuinely internalized the shit out of it, this new way of living, and so now we just motor on, going about our life, because that’s just the way it is.