Photo a Day May: A number – 29.

I tried to be a human 7, a human 4, and a human 1.  Cade and I tried to be a human 1 together. But it was not as perfect of a capture as this. This is what I wanted. This is a photo of a number. And oh so much more.

Photo a Day May: Pink – 22.

It was a rainy and gloomy day of wind today and unfortunately, lacked a lot of pink.  I had my eyes peeled too.

Right before we all wound down for the evening, pink entered our lives in the best form – play.  Play between a boy and his dog.

Lily dug out her pink flamingo toy, and as soon as Cade got wind, he was game for anything. He got a hold of her toy and copied how she wrestles her toys with her mouth.  Perfect and adorable.  And clearly this was what my photo capture of the day was supposed to be.

Photo a Day May: Love – 15.

Today felt long and I am feeling spent and burnt.  Unfortunately capturing a photo of love may not have been at the forefront of my memory today. Fortunately it was the love of a little boy that helped guide me through the trickier moments.  It comes with the territory of being a parent, I think.  How can I be sad when my boy is looking at me with such concern, such empathy, and such… love?  Those eyes. Those words. Oh he was saying the most beautiful things and I could not help but to cradle him close.  Wowwee is he ever empathetic and caring. I mean, I knew that already, but you know.

So love.

It means so much and I am far too tired and in need of chill that I cannot expand the way I want to.  Do we all need a bit more of it in our lives? Um heck yeah.  It surely would not do any harm. But then why do we resist it, I will never know.

In case I need to further explain the photos, love to me is the cornerstone of exploration, trust and community.  Can I really stand on this toy case, and trust myself to do it? Why yes I can. I am safe and I have got this.  Love and let go, love and let go.  But its not what it sounds.  By letting go we love harder and deeper.  Oh so deeper.

And can I just say one thing? In regards to love? My son has helped me reach for it, seek it out, and express it more.  He has helped me to love and to know what that means.  Gosh.  What a gift.  He has taught me the importance of supports and community.  In parenting. In loving. In life, in anything really. We need each other and we need ourselves. And oh gee how I am so grateful to have a great lot of you.
It takes a darn village.

Photo a Day May: Mum – 13.

So naturally the subject of today’s challenge would be mum, or mom as some of us say.  Gosh, what a loaded one really.  Again we have got a tie for today’s photo. I could not only pick one because, well… you will see.

My mom gave me life, breath, and love.  She gave me these things, among so many others but those captivate it all pretty well, and I gave the same to another being.  And he gave these things to me, too. Its such a full and crazy intense cycle of life that it constantly blows me away.  Its pretty normal. But pretty darn fascinating. 

So as you can see, I surely cannot just show a photo of my mom.  And not only that, but she is so much more than just a photo.  She started this whole mom thing for me.  And her mom started it for her and so on. Like I said it blows my mind; its so out of this world and so incredibly beautiful. 

I was supposed to see my mom today, but things did not work out.  I had planned to capture a picturesque photo of my mom with my son and I, but alas, here we are.

Because I am a little bit proud, I have also added a photo of Cade’s first daycare craft, made for me.  It is the loveliest gift ever and I am excited to see what it grows into, which should be a sunflower.  The poem that goes along with it brought me to tears.  It sums the previous choppy fragmented paragraphs I just wrote up very nicely.  xo.

Photo a Day May: Something that makes you happy – 12.

The love and bonding that has transpired between these two melts my heart every day.  It is beautiful and meaningful and I am not sure I have ever seen Lily love and fear someone, at the same time, so much.  And I know for CERTAIN that Cade’s first really deep belly laughs were a result of him watching his puppy’s antics.  They are pretty humorous I will give her that.  Cade’s room has become her favourite place to chill and taker her bones and treats to.  When Lily hears Cade waking up in the morning or after a nap, she goes a little loopy.  She gets REALLY excited, and I know that personifying dogs isn’t good and its not excitement its cooped up energy… in this situation, I have to disagree.  She wants to see him so bad.  Then she remembers that he is not always gentle and sometimes actually way too rough, and she watches her back. Then she remembers how much he loves to chase her and play with her and she eggs him on. Then he finds her brush and tries to brush her and she’s gone again. Its neverending.  Their relationship is both extremes.  He finds her hilarious and loves watching her roll around and rub her face and body all over.  But then at the end of the day when we get home and she is going wild (this time it is energy) he cannot handle how overwhelming she can be and he gets super ticked, swats her off of him, and usually has a meltdown. But then during supper time he finds it hilarious how quickly skilled she is at grabbing his food he drops (on purpose) so he is once again amused.  And we cannot forget the time he tried to pick her up. It was so spontaneous and awesome. This is true love, right here. I am glad he will grow up with a dog. He is already learning empathy and everyday he is learning how to treat and work with animals. The same goes for the poochie – she is learning how to live in harmony with a child who is so unpredictable (but she learns fast what his moves are) but mostly, a child who loves the shit out of her. Its pretty darn special.

Photo a Day May: Something you do everyday – 9.

Love.
I love everyday.  Sometimes not enough, but never too much.
And seriously? I cannot think of a better way to capture love than with this photo. 
At one point, Lily was close to him and that too would have been a great depiction of love. A capture of my boy un his jammies playing by the river though… perfect.
Just look at that face. Expression. Heart.
That ain’t nothing but love.  Believe me when I say, this boy loves hard.

Photo a Day May: Fun – 4

Today just had to be a tie.  And it was almost tripled because I received some absolutely delicious looking flowers today at work.  Mother’s Day accidentally came early. No qualms here, but I figured the two chosen photos more captured the essence of fun than did flowers, as fun as flowers can be and are.

So I present to you, readership, one of the best ways to start the weekend off, eating a Thai meal with your loves and then frolicking in the outdoors.  Kind of perfect if you ask me.  And… fun.

Heal the soul, Feed the heart.

I am so sick and tired about blogging how I never blog.  I am sick of starting posts with “I’m back” or “so I took an unintentional break.”  It’s all the same junk, all the time.  I take breaks, they are unintentional.  I have mini-meltdowns, I forget about my blog, I get up on the uppity and sail through my life without so much as a thought about my main writing outlet.  How dare I ignore myself, because this blog really is just an extension of that?  I prevent myself from writing about anything substantial, aside from the fact that when I am gone that is substantial but most definitely not the most substantial moment that has occurred since the last time I wrote.  SIGH DOUBLE SIGH.

I am not sure if I have made a promise before, to myself and to my blog.  Probably?  Kinda feel like I’ve been there done that with every sort of “I VOW TO BLOG ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME” deal, but please don’t judge as I am about to make it again.

Aside from my mini-explanation two days ago, I haven’t blogged in nearly three months.  That is an eternity.  Imagine something you thoroughly enjoy, now axe it out of your life for three months and imagine the sorrow.  My heart is filled with it, and then part of my heart gets mad because I am the only one that can change that and I haven’t done that.

I feel like I am at a very transitional point in my life, and in all honesty, I think I always will be.  As human beings, I think we always are, because we always are growing and changing, even if we feel we are pretty stagnant.   The last five months have been an incredible adjustment, and they totally still are, and I am still adapting.  I think C is too, though seriously, I feel like he is just going with the flow and is mostly loving it.  The boy loves daycare.  He loves his friends.  He loves his daycare provider.  That really just tickles me pink, it truly does.  Mainly, I am happy he is happy.   Daycare is not a choice for us but a necessity, at this point in our lives anyway.  If we had a choice, we wouldn’t be utilizing it, or at least not on a full-time basis, I already know this much is true.  I am pretty certain I would be much happier, more fulfilled and satisfied, if I was a mama who did not work out of the home or at least not on a full-time basis.  It feels awful to write such a sentiment, but it is what I believe.  The tricky part of this is, because it is not really an option right now, is navigating it so I still feel thoroughly fulfilled, and that I am providing my family and myself with the very best me possible.  That part, I haven’t yet figured out.  What I do know, is my boy is growing way fast, and I know that part of what I need to do is to let go of my hangups around what I can’t have, and focus on trying to enjoy what I do have.  It’s the quality now, not the quantity.  Wise words from some wise women.

Back in January (!!!) I talked about the growth I have been encountering, the changes I have been making, and while they are mostly the same, there’s even more to add to it, and that warms my heart deeply.  I’m still on my handmade gift only path, and we’re heading into the middle of April.  It’s so fun, so satisfying, and it really nurtures and helps to fulfill my creative soul.  I have sewn turtles and flax magic bags, made no-sew fleece blankets, made miniature taggy blankets, along with various other goodies.  I am learning skills left right and centre and I absolutely love it.  I’ve got to gather up some more tricks for my bag of crafts, because I’m needing a dose of fresh crafty ideas in my life, but for now this is good.

Another huge development in my life is that I registered for the Doula Training course that is offered here.  I am beyond thrilled for this new step in my life and I have this feeling, I just know, that this is going to be a good thing.  I questioned myself slightly before I registered, mainly because I had to drop a bit of cash in order to take the course, but I know deep, deep down that I am meant to do this.  It is my passion through and through, for various reasons.  I thought I’d get the birth high, then it would dwindle, but oh no, ohhh noo it’s still there, stronger than ever.  I am not obsessed, I am passionate.  The gig starts April 26, and is ten weeks long, one night a week.  I imagine I will branch out in the blog-world to have a doula biz site up, but that’s for another day.

As of Saturday morning, I have temporarily deactivated my Facebook account.  It was a decision that I had to do.  The clincher for me, was the struggle I actually had with clicking ‘Deactivate.’  I couldn’t do it, well I mean – I obviously did, but I hummed and ha’ed for quite some time, days, before I went ahead and did it.  That experience alone reinforced to me that I was far too addicted to it.  It had taken a hold of my life, and gripped it with all of its psychotic Facebook intensity.  SO not cool.  The whole smart phone phenomenon made it even worse.  Honestly?  Do I need to check my Facebook ALL the time? Just ‘to check’?  Highly unlikely.  But even more than that, was the psychopathic tendencies of Facebook, that is, if Facebook was a person.  Stalkerish, right?  Creepy.  And I was a part of the game.  I couldn’t let go of certain Friends on my Friends list, because the fun would end.  And by fun I mean, the ability for me to poke my head in on their virtual life at any given time.  I get that we are in the 21st century and social networking is the way of the future, but when does it become social psychopathic tendencies and not social networking anymore?  Hmm.  The privacy settings are shady at best, and I just needed a break..  It is not okay when I feel my blood pressure rise, my cheeks become rosy, at the sight of some ridiculous, attention-seeking status update by someone I really don’t even care about. That is not okay.  Sure, there are plenty of things I like about Facebook.  I like the support that some of the communities provide, the ability to see photographs of family and friends in faraway lands, but for now, for me, there are other ways to have these needs met.  And quite honestly, I’d like to spend a little bit more time talking to the people I care about instead of creeping on some jerk-face who I really don’t.

I am no longer seeing the counsellor I mentioned in my second last post.  Not because of anything more than we  really weren’t getting anywhere that significant.  It was alright, and she helped to somewhat shed light on a few issues I was struggling with, but it was not entirely what I needed.  In hindsight, I am not even sure I know what I need.  We’re at that point, and I know it’s not a great point to be at, but it’s a starting point, and I know I am here, so I’ll roll with it.  And it’s nothing against psychologists, but that is not exactly what I am needing right now, I don’t believe.  So tomorrow the journey continues, and I will meet with a homeopathic doctor/social worker/counsellor in one.  She comes HIGHLY recommended and so I am quite anxious to have this experience.  I’ve got a couple of things I want to address, and I am also anticipating that she will guide the session and we will do some exploring.

As for my running shoes, they haven’t been laced up in way too long.  March came and went, and that is the hardest month of every year for me.  The winters are too long, and the spring lingers.  I love the first days of spring, but then let’s get this show on the road.  I am tired of cold mornings, and my cold appendages itch for warm skin.  The plan is to get out there and get running, again, because last summer when I learned that running was a total outlet for me, was one of the best summers ever, and I need that injection of wholeness, of light, and of endorphins, in my life, on a constant basis.  The issue right now is that I am feeling really unable to battle the brisk mornings, and so I’m anxiously awaiting the warm ones.  In time?

And without turning to ‘external’ sources of healing, I am mostly feeling very blessed, very privileged, to have this here family that I do.  My son provides me with an insane amount of beauty, life, and love, and I don’t even know how to say it properly.  He basically just blows my mind, over, and over, and over again.  Every little word he says, every thing he does.  He is the most beautiful soul, the most beautiful creature, the most beautiful beauty.  Yeesh.  so.much.love.  And thee baby-daddy, well aye, I get hung up on things, on complains, on this and that, but gosh darn, I am lucky.  Who ever thought I would be living in my small-but-its-cozy house, with a 17 month old, a 3 year old poochy, and a partner?  I am not sure I ever did, but oh boy, am I sure glad I do.

Happy Monday, friends, dream sweetly & sleep tightly.

Bittersweet.

Two weeks from today and I will again be a contributor to away from home workforce.  I am sure the anticipation is really the worst part.  I hope so, because these anticipation-induced meltdown are getting really old, really fast.  Also, I’m sure people are getting sick of me talking about it.  It is what it is and since that is the next big adjustment step in our lives, it is obviously something that is causing me a bit of anxiety.

I really think Cade is going to do awesome at daycare.  He loves playing with and watching other people and does not seem to make strange with those people who are unfamiliar to him.  Like I said… Bittersweet.  I am so happy he feels comfortable enough to ‘venture out’ because daycare has to be and is a harsh reality for us.  Do I wish he would sometimes be a total snuggle bug and wanna cozy up all the time as opposed to what he actually does – which is basically NEVER wanna cuddle?  Yup. 

We start part time daycare this week and thankfully we had a really terrific weekend to precede that.  Seriously, it was one of those weekends you feel all fluffy and starry about.  Family time, time spent with good people, the kick off to our monthly craft night (SO FUN!!), Upcycled handmade tshirt scarves, a first birthday party, walks galore, and it was all topped off with beautiful crisp autumn weather.  So delicious, so perfect.

For now I will say one thing.  Friends are precious, irreplaceable beings.  Love them and love them something fierce.  Sometimes the good ones may seem few and far between, but they are there.  Grab the ones that make you feel all fuzzy AND the ones that hug your heart.  Your homework for today is to send a random fuzzy and warm text or phone call to someone you love.  Make it pretty random and make it count.

09/19/09.

Two years ago, I said these words to my main squeeze, at our wedding ceremony, along the river, surrounded by our loved ones.

Kyle, I love you because you have allowed me to be me and to constantly grow and learn.  I promise to always encourage and embrace opportunities for our relationship to continue to grow and flourish.

I love your calm and gentle soul and how you remain grounded and support me in doing this as well.  I vow to always strive for a calm spirit and to constantly focus on relaxing physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. 

I love your ability to reassure me when the whole “relaxation” vow doesn’t always work out.  I promise to accept that love can be hard work and not to feel discouraged, but to use tough times as growth.

I love that you are always there.  Your hug, your kiss, your touch sometimes say more than your words can.  I vow to support you and root for you through any struggles and challenges that life presents. 

I love your genuine appreciation and love for your friends and family, including Lily.  I promise to nurture and fulfill our desire for creating a family and a home that is loving and patient. 

I love when our eyes meet from across the room and we can’t help but smile.  You know how they talk about “the look”?  Yup, you’ve still got it.  I vow to love, respect and embrace you now and forever, to always be by your side, through all of life’s joys and all of life’s troubles.

I love your brain.  It is beautiful, smart and bursting with endless knowledge.  I promise to always learn with and from you and to encourage you to do so as well.  

I love how you cheer for me in all that I do and I love how you push me to test my fears and take on new challenges.  I vow to do the same for you and I vow to continuously search for that “breath of fresh air” in life and in love. 

It feels surreal to be standing here with you, celebrating our lives and the deep and absolute love that we share for the last almost 6 years.  I cannot say this enough – I love you.  I’ve always felt that these words cannot completely capture the intense, emotional, physical and spiritual connection I feel with you.  You have enhanced my life and you have shown me that love is beautiful and kind.  I am so excited to be here with you and with our family and friends, sharing this moment.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring us, but I do know that I will be with you, side by side.  Whether we laugh or cry, or just “be”, I am entirely confident that we can take on anything.  Thank you for loving me, learning with me and being with me.  I love you, I respect you, and I’m privileged and blessed to have you in my life always. 

Fast forward 2 years, a baby, and you know what?  I feel these words even greater.

Happy 2nd Anniversary, Kyle.  I can only say, that I feel so lucky.  Thank you for gifting me with an amazing and beautiful child.  Thank you for embracing and support my journey into and through motherhood.  Thank you.