Not trendy.

January 20, 2010 at 10:07 pm Leave a comment


Every so often (typically seasonal) I go through periods in my life where I want to change everything.  I want a new hair do.  I want a new hair colour.  I want a new style.  I want new clothes.  I want new makeup.  I want a new job.  I want a new book to read.  I want a new band to listen to.  I want someone new to hang out with.  I want a new recipe to try out consistently.

The only things that don’t change (and I’m guessing this is in credit to the fact that they are consistent, solid homies in my life, unconditional, beautiful, amazing, all that jazz!) are that I don’t want a different partner and I don’t want a different doggie.

It’s not that I want all new friends, all new music, an all new me.  It’s just that I guess I want some sort of change, and since I don’t know what it is, I’ll run through lists and lists.  And still come up with nothing.  I always jokingly say to Kyle that I am going through an identity crisis.  He’s very very used to dealing with that side of me, and his first question, mistakingly so, is, well, what is it that you want?  THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

I’ve sort of tried to narrow it down, but I always waiver from this to that.  I think part of the problem is I need to really focus on fulfilling my hobbies, and the non-mandatory (read: work) parts of my life.  I have a very strong relationship with photography, but it’s rocky at times.  I’ve always talked about wanting to do some photog work on the side, but I beat myself up and tell myself that I am not all that great and don’t have the proper equipment,  so on and so forth.  When I see people just DO IT I feel envious, I feel shameful that I can’t just DO IT.  My fault lies in wanting but not pursuing.  I can go on and on about how I don’t take enough photos or I don’t pursue enough creative endeavours, and I know I’ve got it in me.  But the time I spend reminiscing about this and that and why I didn’t do this and that, I’ve wasted and put myself further in that ridiculous and extremely damaging cycle of negativity.

I attempted to go shopping a couple weeks ago, and ended up walking downtown, back to the car – miserable as can be.  Not only did I not find anything, but nothing was appealing to me at all.  I didn’t know what look I wanted to go for, and all the clothes screamed out I AM A HIDEOUS ARTICLE OF CLOTHING as I walked by them.  As we were driving home, I was visibly upset by it all and knew that obviously I was not merely upset by the fact that I did find a lovely blouse.  Kyle practically knew this better than I did.  I came to the conclusion that it’s not because I don’t know what look I want, it’s because I didn’t know myself at that point.  And I’m still learning.  I was in a dark, negative space.  I wasn’t super pumped about myself as I should be and as I can be.  I was not happy and so instead of looking inside of myself at that moment (why would I want to? I wasn’t happy with myself.)  I blamed the clothes, I blamed the styles.  Easier, right?  Way way easier to transfer the blame.  Shift it onto something, especially something lifeless as racks of clothing, the latest trends.

I spend much of the winter ‘wasting away’, so to speak.  I start out being extremely tired, wrapping myself in blankets and lying on the couch, zoning out in front of the TV.  Then I start to pep up a bit, realizing that surely I can’t carry on for five months like this.  That feeling doesn’t last long and I sink again.  That sinking usually comes around January or February, where I begin to resent myself for being so lazy and so disconnected from myself.  I beat myself up for getting next to no exercise, and consistently eating comfortable carbs to warm my heart and warm my belly.  And that’s only touching on emotional eating.  I become envious because I have to work so hard for seemingly so little – I can go to the gym, or get at least some form of exercise every day, eat balanced meals – and what?  A spike in my energy?  I want more, damnit!  I think at times I’m asking too much, and while I realize most things happen in baby steps, a lot of my ‘action-focused’ mentality comes from wanting to see results, and when these don’t happen overnight, I get impatient.

So where was I going with this?  I’ve started to exercise more.  January has brought us wonderful spring-comparable temperatures, and the dogs, Kyle and I are definitely taking advantage of this.  Daily walks with the pups AND daily dog park visits.  It doesn’t get any better than that.  And aside from my INTENSE and PERSISTENT introverted behaviours I’ve been having as of late, I’ve been feeling better – still not 100 % satisfied as I definitely have changes to make, but fresh air really does do wonders.

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Association. Doin’ my thang.

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