The one where I’m not what you think I am.

July 17, 2010 at 4:53 pm 1 comment

So at work I’ve adopted the nickname, or rather, umbrella description of More Assertive Now That She’s Pregnant.  I’m not going to deny it, but I am going to venture into a personal journey (of sorts) of how this description may have came to be.  I’m not going to get too technical, just speculative.  And maybe a tad defensive?  What can I say, I’m sensitive and I guess that’s all part of it.

Throughout my life I’ve been the quiet one, the peacemaker, the listener, the good friend.  Some of you may not agree, but most of you probably do.  If I don’t know you that well or don’t feel entirely comfortable, I rarely speak my mind.  In fact, some of you maybe think I am without opinions, or just aloof.  Neither of these are true.  It takes me a painfully long time to become entirely comfortable with someone.  I haven’t figured out why this is yet, but I’m working on it.  I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am socially awkward, can’t form relationships or bonds, or am cold-hearted, but I would say that I’m careful about who I share myself with.  More careful with some – less reserved with others.  I use my feelers and go from there.

In high school and even beyond that, I was always the one people came to to spill their emotional guts out to.  Breakups, hurt, pain, agony.  You name it.  I listened, I offered advice to the best of my ability, and then we hugged.  I have kind of always been a caregiver, and I realize that my current chosen career field obviously reflects this.  I also realize that because of this innate characteristic of mine, I have to be extremely careful to not over-caregive, if I can even use that word with any sort of comprehension.  I’ve let myself get lost in others too many times and been hurt along the way.  I became so used to going with the flow of people and not standing up for myself.  I’ve been walked over, ran over, and driven over.  Pretty much without even realizing it at the time.  I never really knew how to stand up for myself, to be assertive about my needs.  I’d downplay my needs, comparing them to the extreme situations of others.  I know now that it’s all relative, and I also know that I am smart and logical enough to realize that my needs are just as important as yours.

So fast forward to me not being assertive.  I’ve had labels over the years, actually, I don’t know if I’d call them labels?  Maybe.  Because they stuck.  A jokingly one was being hardcore, due to my black hair, glasses, whole shtick.  And of course my leather-clad birthday wardrobe seen in the above picture.  GUYS.  I am so not hardcore.  I am a sensitive baby.  I get my feelings hurt easily.  I like to be liked.  I don’t always take criticism well.  Let me back up – you need to be cautious about how you constructively criticize me because there is a high chance that I may take it extremely personal and dwell on it for weeks to come.  I feel guilt too often and I feel sadness too often.  I am deeply affected by the actions of others which do not have to directly affect me.  I wish I could save baby animal’s and children’s lives all day long and nurture all of them with my own heart.  I CRY.  I’m not hardcore, so not hardcore.

What I am, is assertive.  I have it in me, and it may take a long time to come out.  Apparently with my new status of Pregnant I am assertive, perhaps aggressive – though I beg to differ.  I think that others may interpret it as aggressive because it is a side that a lot of people will not have seen.  And because I’m fairly soft-spoken (though I do whip out a gem randomly, because I can be charming like that), when I am the opposite and when I am bold and stand up for what I see fit, right, or just sensible – it’s the new me and watch out because I am loose.  People aren’t used to it.  And to be truthful, I’m not really either.  I catch myself off guard, and then afterward question if I was rude or offensive.  But as I said before, I am smart and logical enough and don’t think that I’ve been rude.  Just assertive, and it makes me happy.  I think that assertiveness is an important trait that I have always tried to unleash but it never really happened all that genuinely.

I’m not sure why it’s happening more now and what causes it.  It could be that I am preparing to be the strong mentor, leader, advocate for my children, and to teach them the skills that are critical to have growing up in this world.  It could be that my hormones are dancing around, rearranging themselves, and bringing out new qualities that I haven’t let shine in a very long time.  It could be that because of the dancing hormones I am moodier and therefore don’t put up with as much bologna or stupidity and therefore call it out.  It could be a combination of all three.  Whatever it is, I think I’m alright with it.  I feel comfortable with it, and I feel like it is truly an extension of my own self, that has been hiding deep, deep under the surface of my skin.

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Pregomatic. Why Lily is Cooler Than a Lot of People.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. auntie Gail or future great aunt!  |  July 17, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    oh Trista what insight !!!i so love to read what u put on these blogs!!and i beleive you are just preparing to be a momma :)and the new you is fine by me ;)!!love the picture :)

    Reply

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