Humble is as humble does.

August 31, 2010 at 10:50 pm Leave a comment

Tempted to blog about not blogging.  I even have a pile of shitty excuses that I’ll spare you.
There’s a pregnancy pact going on at work.  Not fer REALS fer reals, but just by chance and awesome circumstance I guess.  In our unit of 8 women, 3 of us are currently with child and due November, January and March.  There’s a couple other women who we work closely with who are also pregnant, one woman who recently gave birth to a boy (who I am excitedly going to meet on Thursday!), and a whole other bundle of women throughout the office who either very recently had a little babe, or will be having a little babe very soon.  I am VERY excited for each and every one of us and oh pregnancy is such a wonderful thing thus far.  Beautiful beautiful and I cannot wait to meet all these little monkeys!  Totally makes it fun because we can go on and on about all things pregnancy-related.  When we’re not on paid time, but of course…

I know I’ve beaten it to death, but it’s amazing the stories and experiences you hear both when you are requesting and when you are an innocent bystander.  Let me clarify, I am a lover of sharing experiences and hearing other women’s stories, war wounds, battles, triumphs, you name it.  I am just finding that I am needing to be selective about what I input into my brain, emotional memory, upcoming physical experiences.  I’ve talked to many many people and frequented many pregnancy/parenting Internet forums, and oh boy oh boy.  Some women have gone through hell and back.  And others have had the smoothest ride on the most recently paved road out there.  I don’t know what my experience will be like, I have no idea.  I have ideas of how I want it to go, obviously, I’m sure we all do, whether it’s related to pregnancy, relationships, health, finances, education, career…. you name it.  I’m all for the power of the mind, psychological/emotional influence, and I’m all for tapping into this piece of my being to the greatest extent possible to ensure the most fulfilling birth experience for Kiwi and I.

It’s strange because I often feel like either I have to defend my desires and why they are what they are, or I have to tone them down because they’re not realistic and so what’s the point.  Not my words, not their words, just my internalizing of stuff I’ve surrounded myself with willingly and unwillingly.  I hate feeling like I am disrespecting other people’s experiences by expressing my own perspective on how I view birthing, my values and beliefs around it.  It’s not that at all, and I suppose I shouldn’t feel like I ought to defend myself since the people that know me well know I mean well.  I highly value hearing other women’s experiences, it just seems that a LOT of them are negative.  And so be it, right?  I could have a terrible birthing experience and when I reflect back on it, I could be filled with negativity about how it all went down and I could project that onto people.  I really don’t know.  I like to think that I’m extremely intuitive, conscious, and aware of my feelings, how I create feelings in other people, and how other people feel by my mere presence – but going through an experience that is less than favourable could lessen the intensity of some of this internal schtuff going on, could it not?

I’m all over the map and I’ve written about this a bajillion times but I can’t talk or think about it enough.  I’m reading a book on Hypnobirthing right now to set my mind and body in a positive space (it’s already there, but to reinforce it) and to help me with some visualization/relaxation techniques.  We’ll see how that goes.
Bottom line, really, is no matter how many negative experiences I hear about, and no matter who is talking about them or writing about them, the end result of that experience is the most positive thing ever (some of y’all that wish to remain childless may disagree!) and I sincerely appreciate the acknowledgement of that at the end of it all.

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Making it Through Mat Leave The Birth of Cade.

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