My heart lives on the outside of my body.
You always hear about parents talking about how they now ‘wear their heart on their sleeve.’ I get that. I feel like my heart is constantly hanging out, chillin’, outside of my body, making sure to take good loving care of my little Cade and my little Lily. My heart is more apt to tear up and release anger and emotions outwardly rather than bottling it up. It’s more likely to do this in front of people, too. And for silly reasons, though not so much anymore. Sleep makes this more likely to happen, too. Sleep, or therefore a lack of, is a nasty, nasty thing, if I do say so myself.
Can we talk about something else heart and sensitivity related? Maybe this doesn’t happen to the masses and I’m just crazytown, but let’s just go there for a minute, and tell me if you can relate, and if not, at least sort of pretend?
Since having Cade, there are sooo many things and places that are sentimental to me now! I feel like it is a weird phenomenon but the more I think about it, I think it makes sense, somewhat? Because we had an overall good labour and birthing experience (for the most part, anyway), there are so many associations with that whole journey that I feel connected to on this weird level. Because it’s late and my brain feels frantically disorganized, I’m going to point form this bad boy up:
1) The strip-mall area of Extra Foods at Clarence & Taylor. After I got induced and they sent us home to labour there, we stopped by the Extra Foods to get a few grocery type items for my mom and Carter and brother, who would be staying with us. It was at this point that I was starting to get mildly uncomfortable (what I later realized was the start of contractions), and made phone calls to several people to fill them in on what was happening. Kyle ran to the KFC there to participate in Toonie Tuesday and I grabbed Subway at the Mac store. The woman who made my sub saw my pregnant belly and asked me when I was due, to which my excited response was, “I just got induced! I’m having this baby soooon!” I just remember being in that area, talking to people, being excited, knowing that this baby was probably well on its way.
2) Doctor’s office. Sitting in that waiting room for all of our prenatal appointments brings back memories of not knowing what was about to come at the end of this pregnancy, but knowing it would be something very amazing and beautiful. Sitting there waiting for the appointment where we would get to hear baby’s first heart beat. Sitting there, feeling anxious and white-coat-syndromey and then having my blood pressure skyrocket. Looking back, I can’t believe I got so worked up about having them take my blood pressure, but I did and that probably won’t change. I felt (and still do feel, but this was especially within the first few weeks after having Cade) so connected and grateful for our doctor. Part of the reason is obviously because she helped to bring my son into this world, my beautiful, amazing son. And she was such a strong, positive, caring and humorous support person to have on board. The other reason is because I haven’t had a doctor in so long, and now the first doctor I connect with is amazing and has been a part of a very life-changing journey for us. Amazing stuff.
3) John Mayer. The night before I got induced, Kyle and I made up a CD of John Mayer songs to take with us into the birthing room. The reason I chose John Mayer was because the past few months, my office partner and I listened to her satellite radio, and the station that was on often played the Mayer. I thought it was super appropriate, and also because one of the first songs I played for Cade when he was a baby was John Mayer’s “Say.” Having that particular music there was great. We should have actually brought loads and loads of CD’s because we were in there for so long we just played the same CD over and over, but it worked, and eventually when it stopped in the middle of my pushing, we didn’t even notice anyway.
4) RUH. I will probably never be able to go to that hospital, walk down the long hallway into the main foyer, without feeling a bit of sentimentality. Goodness, sometimes even driving by I feel a bit soft. My little guy started his life there! I remember walking out of the hospital when we were going home, bawling and crying and not knowing why, but having somewhat of an idea. I kept saying to Kyle, 2 days ago we were walking down this hallway and we did not have this little guy with us, now we have this amazing little boy in our lives, blah blahhh wahhhh wahhhhhhhh. I was crying, Cade was screaming (WTF is this seat thing I am IN!), we were quite the prize that’s definitely for sure. I’m sure people were looking at us, probably thinking, good god, what a lucky man to be taking these two messes home! ‘Cept Cade was a cute mess. Me? Not so much, unless you’re into the whole IV-induced swollen and puffy look, tossed with a side of I Haven’t Slept In Three Days.
5) Friends, family, puppy. Everyone that is important to me and in my life, I love you I love you I love you. I feel so happy to be surrounded with all these amazing people who are going to be a part of Cade’s life. He sure is a lucky little guy. I am soooo very ecstatic at the fact that Cade will grow up with a fabulous little doggy as well. And did I mention that Cade has the best dad ever? He so does. Kyle is amazing with him. He has more patience than I do sometimes, which I am jealous of. Not that I am not patient, because I am, but sometimes my emotions and frustrations get the best of me and I shut down and cry. Kyle steps in no problem. And not even just steps in. Kyle is at the forefront of Cade’s life ALL the time and I love it. I could not ask for a better partner or dad for my son.
6) Other pregnant women and mommas. It’s the secret club! I know it sounds super lame and dorky and pathetic but it is sooooo true. When I was pregnant, all of us pregnant women at work were like besties, talking about all things pregnancy-related (from the cravings to the anal swab), and about our future mom & babe socializing sessions. Then, I became part of the mom & babe club, which I love. It means I get to hang out with awesome people and their babies super often because we’re all on leave! Very awesome. Even women I don’t know that I see out in public, there’s usually a ‘knowing look’ that goes on, or a conversation about how they’re sleeping. Good times, good times. It is so silly and so fun. There has to be a parent collective for us all to survive. People gots shit to talk about!
I thought there was more to the list but my brain has shut off for the night already, so unfortunately I cannot retrieve them. So much for being sentimental eh?
Alright. It’s past midnight and I really ought to treat myself to an early bedtime. One of these nights, I swear, it’ll happen. But on that note, I’m going to go snuggle with World’s Best Dad and Cutest Boy Ever Who is 4 Months Old Today. (Would include Craziest Cute Ball of Fur to that list, but she’s curled up in her bed at the moment.) G’night!