There are some things that I want to tell you.
I always feel this looming pressure to have ‘structured’ posts, but today I am putting my foot down and going out on a whim. There’s just things I want to talk about and granted, I could expand on some of them and make them into lengthy essay-like posts, I DON’T WANT TO. I just want to share the wealth, the randomness, the peace of sorts. Peace is self-defined, so don’t hate.
After witnessing the brilliance that is the gift my good friend received, a colouring book entitled “Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away With Another Spoon“, I knew that this was a purchase that had to be made for the boy.
With such gems as, “Prince Charming searched high and low for the owner of the glass slipper… to find out where to get a pair in his size” and “Enough war! Tonight I’m going dancing!” there is no question that this was a smart purchase, one that needs no defending or justifying. I have always been excited for the day that Cade and I can sit down and colour glorious, elaborate scenes with fancy shades of purple and green, but now I am absolutely ecstatic and have these beautiful visions of us sitting down with our art supples splayed out on the table, going over each picture in a kid-friendly sociological analysis of each page, giggling and laughing at all the haters who would think this book is garbage. My child will be and IS educated, smart, aware, and free. Of judgement, of respect, of life.
And sorta somewhat related but not really (because I know wearing pink doesn’t necessarily mean anything at all in terms of identity, beliefs, what have you) in the most recent cloth diaper purchase (which I can fearfully see becoming an addiction of sorts) there was a bright, hot pink diaper, that I cannot wait to adorn my boy’s bottom with. Precious is as precious does, ain’t that right.
In an effort to replicate one of my favourite restaurant salads (Citrus Feta from Prairie Ink), we purchased all the goods on the weekend and whipped up a couple batches this week. The verdict? Pure delightful tasty amazement.
Last Sunday, we had a late lunch/early supper at Prairie Ink, because I was achin’ so bad for this salad, and plus, I couldn’t quite remember what was in it, and I wanted to be able to make it at home. So naturally, we had to go there and I had to eat it.
Since I’m not the greatest recipe-sharer, here’s how you make yourself a glorious salad that will make your tastebuds dance in delight:
Black sliced olives
Buttermilk ranch dressing (homemade I’m sure would be best/healthiest, but we opted for Renee’s brand)
Basically, place a sufficient amount of greens on your plate (this is a Field Greens mixture), and then top with the above. Crumble feta over top, drizzle with the buttermilk ranch, and mix all that tasty goodness together. Engorge in the food and then have a nap. Easy peasy.
I’ve recently seen some ‘long-lost’ photos of minutes after Cade was born and they make me very, very happy, and yet it is hard to believe that day was 6 months ago. The craziest, most beautiful and exciting day of my life was that long ago already. Just blows my mind really.
It is crazy that this:
In what feels like a matter of days.
I love looking at those pictures of when Cadester was first born. They make me happy, and they make me emotional. They help me to reflect on that day, the days leading up, and even the months leading up. Looking back at them inspires me to write more in-depth about the birth experience. I of course did a post on the birth story, but I just have so much more to say, after reflecting even more, and after reading more about birth and women as strong and in control of the birthing process right from the getgo. I can say that I had an amazing birth experience, aside from having to be induced (which in terms of how inductions CAN go, went fairly well I think) and tearing pretty badly. There are definitely things I would change next time around (did I just say that?) but I have no regrets about how my birth went, because it produced the most beautiful little boy ever, and it was also the birth of us becoming parents. I am a bit of a birth/breast feeding research junkie, and I have learned so very much in the past few months about birthing, labour & delivery, breastfeeding, etc. In some ways I feel shameful that I was not this actively seeking out informatio when I was pregnant. Maybe not shameful, but sometimes I feel I should have done more. But then again, I’m going to stop right there because I cannot beat myself up about it, and I cannot change the past and how things panned out, I can only change how things are from here on in.
Something that I wouldn’t say I have regrets about, but that I think about on a day to day basis (not even lying, wish I was) is breastfeeding and how my journey has been. I realize we all have struggles in our lives, and perhaps some of you may think that I should just get over it, move on, not get so wound up in “what could have been” but the fact remains, that breastfeeding is a highly personal and emotional experience and journey. I never fully understood that until I became a breastfeeding mama. Lately, Cade has been on somewhat of a ‘nursing strike.’ He does not want to latch on and will get fussy if we try. The only time he seems to want to nurse is when he gets up in the middle of the night to eat (which, for the past 2 nights, he hasn’t done, but subsequently, will then nurse when he gets up in the morning). As of Wednesday, I have stopped taking Domperidone altogether. I was gradually reducing the dose, but I have weighed the pros and cons of taking it versus the amount that I am actually breastfeeding, and I have just decided that the benefits of taking a prescription medication for one nursing session a day are not really there anymore. This whole process has been emotional. I have felt upset, sad, and highly anxious over the fact that he has basically chosen to start, what it seems like, weaning. As I said, breastfeeding and our whole journey around it consumes my life, I think about it daily, I wonder what could’ve been, every single day. I know this is probably not healthy, and I know I need to come to terms with it. I think a part of it is also part of the whole mother identity as well, and coming to terms with who I am now. However, the other day, for some (what I know now) absolutely crazy reason, I thought I would pull out our nursing aid (tube that goes into the bottle and then I place beside my nipple as he latches) and see if he would latch on and then nurse and receive the formula through the tube. It was a gong show! Cade would not latch, and when he did, as soon as I placed the tube in, he knew and would unlatch. I beat myself up for it, after all, why would I subject us to that again? It brought back not-so-fun memories of the first 4 weeks, trying and trying and trying to nurse.
The other evening, I was talking to an acquaintance, a woman with a very kind and gentle soul, (also, whom I had just learned that night was a Certified Lactation Educator) about my experiences. She passed on some very genuine words to me, words that made me feel strong and empowered as a mother and as a female. They resonated with me in such a way that I would like to share them here (copied and pasted, left some parts out):
That’s okay, even that one night nurse (if you want to keep doing it) packs a very high amount of fat, vitamins, minerals, and immune factors. Human milk is richest in these things between the hours of 12 AM and 7 AM, believe it or not. Also, around 6 months many babies suddenly stop needing to nurse for 20 minutes or more to get satisfaction. 6 months is a great accomplishment, even that much will have given him a great start. You should be really proud of yourself, especially as you’ve been fighting the whole way. If you decide to keep that night nursing, even if it’s a few swallows, know that you’re passing on some immunities that will help keep him healthy and shorten the duration of illnesses. Think of it as vitamins! Your body will keep producing enough milk for that night nursing as long as he keeps taking milk. If it comes to an end, don’t let yourself be buried in guilt or regret, be really proud of yourself. You’ve done amazing! really believe that if you do all you can for your child, it comes down to quality, not quantity. Even a teaspoon a day, if that’s all you can do, is enough for your little man. Besides, breastfeeding is about so much more than the milk. The milk is small compared to the benefits of just suckling. The skin-to-skin and suckling develops neural pathways in the baby’s brain, helps to shape his orthodontic palate, stimulates brain growth and left-right co-ordination, and has huge emotional benefits besides, and that’s without any milk. I always ask moms, if you could only ever feed your baby breast milk from a bottle, or formula from your breast, which would you choose? The milk, and amount of milk, is the least of breastfeeding.
Entry filed under: Mamabear, Post-Partum Party. Tags: anxiety, birth, birth experience, breastfeeding, breastfeeding struggles, domperidone, emotional, identity, low milk supply, mental health, reflecting, saskatoon, sociological issues, sometimes the spoon runs away with another spoon.