Hiatus.

September 1, 2011 at 11:03 pm 4 comments

I WAS on one, and it was not intentional.  But two weeks does go pretty fast.  And all I can think is 2 weeks multiplied about 5 times equals the amount of time before I go back to work and that is just insane and makes me sad and slightly anxiety-ish?  But not so much so that I cannot manage to live a satisfying and content, happy life.  Just so we’re clear.

So before I “get into it”, I’m setting a personal goal for myself and am inviting anyone to join me in this quest.  I vow to blog every day of September.  That’s 30 days straight of blogging.  And to clarify, blogging can be a photo, a smattering of words that may or may not make sense, a review of a product, or a random jumbled paragraph of what may seem like nothing.  I’ve taken this challenge on before, during other months, and I’m not even sure if I’ve succeeded.  So I guess we’ll see where this leaves me.  If I can complete a running program, surely I can exercise my brain, my spirit, my emotions every day at least once, right?

Sooooo, daycare.  A hot topic amongst our world and our family.  It’s on the very near horizon, and thankfully we’ve mostly sorted things out.  I found our caregiver on Kijiji, and the very next day, Kyle came home with contact information for a daycare provider recommended to him from someone at work.  It was the same person!  So, basically, my cosmical way of sometimes thinking tells me that there is something inherently right about this and so we ought to give it a shot.  We met with her, thought about things, though it didn’t take much as Kyle and I (especially me) tend to have a pretty good intuition about things like this.  Good vibes all around and so we decided it’s a go.  Having secured someone we felt good about and someone that appears to connect with the Boy slightly lessens my anxiety.  But it’s still there, oh no, it’s still there. 

We’re into September now.  Almost 24 hours into September, and only 1 month away from when I have to answer with “next month” when people ask me when I go back to work.  That’s only mildly frightening.  While I feel good about our daycare provider, and I know, deep down, that it will be good for Cade and that he will have a ton of fun, I sometimes feel slightly nauseous when I think about another person essentially raising our child.  Or at least providing a substantial great amount of care for him.   Now, my own mama is a daycare provider and has been since I was a wee tot, and so I don’t want to crush anyone by saying I feel sick about someone other than us caring for our child.  That’s not what I mean, and I know that it’s merely going to be an adjustment.  A big adjustment.  Like, a really huge adjustment.  I know that my mom has changed lives.  She has formed bonds, bridged gaps, and maintained relationships with children and families she’s provided care for.  That is huge and speaks volumes.  She’s doing something right, it’s obvious.

Cade doesn’t seem to “make strange” with other people, and so I’m hoping that sticks, because that is going to make this transition as smooth as possible.  I think.  For him and for us.   If he cries when we drop him off, and he very well might, I am going to lose my shit.  It’s not going to be pretty and I am going to be a blubbering mess.  To top things off, our work environment is converting to cubicles rather than shared offices.  That is also not going to be pretty, not if I’m a red, teary, snotty-nosed crying mess with nowhere to go.  I don’t want pity, I don’t want none of that, and I won’t have any of that, but I’m going to be needing to release big time.  Did I mention that I am often a blubbery mess at the best of times, let alone after I drop my son off at, essentially, a stranger’s house, to go to WORK after being off, bonding and getting to know my son, for ONE WHOLE YEAR?  Guh.  GUH.

I know I’m not the first.  I know I’m not the last.  This isn’t some weird, rare phenomenon that I am going back to work.  Though some of those crazy mean parents might think I am a horrendous parent for leaving my son and going back to work.  I guess so be it.  I know that I am not a horrendous parent.  I know that we don’t have an option and so we will make things work.  Do I wish we had done things differently in the past, had a whopping debt load of zero, and I could stay home or at least work very part-time, so I could be the primary caregiver meeting my son’s needs on a Monday-Friday basis?  Why, yes, yes I do.  But that is not how things have panned out and so I am coming to terms with what we have to do.

Like I said, I think that Cade is a pretty social little one.  I think he will be fine.  I think he will need an adjustment period to get comfortable, but he’s a human being, we all need to transition and we all need certain things to feel comfy.  Will I be looking forward to my EDO’s (every third Friday off) more than ever?  Uhh, loud and clear, YES YES YES!  Cade and I are going to have the best Fridays off in the whole entire world and I’m already looking forward to them, but not THAT much, because looking forward to them means I am that much closer to being back at work, and well, I’ve already ‘went there.’

The past year has been entirely transformative for me, for us.  It’s insane, really.  While I’m still me, I feel different and I feel like this person, ME, has sustained a whole lot of growth.  I guess becoming a parent does that to you, and it can happen pretty quickly.   From being pregnant, growing a life, a brain, a heart, limbs, a personality, inside of me for 9 months, to going through the marathon of labour and delivery, to turning into a parent just like THAT, I’ve changed.  Grown.  Realized new priorities, things in our life that are important to us now, that we didn’t think twice about before.  Life is different and while in many ways a lot more difficult, in every way, it’s better and more fulfilling.  While I’ve been fully emerged into the work of being a mama, I have been away from outside of the home work, and this too has made a huge impact on things.  For one, I never realized how fully consuming work can be and is.  5 o’clock means the physical work day is done, but as much as I like to think I don’t take stuff home with me, I DO.  TOTALLY.  It just happens like that, and I guess that is where self-care and being able to check-out to a certain degree come into play.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the field of social work does not always make it easy to do that, and figuring out boundaries and a balance is one of the most challenging things ever.

I’ve been busy with a newborn, and then a baby who moves around non-stop, from rise to sleep, but I still have a brain that is thinking, processing, and working.  In a different way, yes, but it’s doing what it needs to be doing, and in that sense, life has taken a different turn.  I have a family now, and going back to work is going to be a huge shift and a really insane almost surreal adjustment.  Will I be a more efficient and effective social worker than I was before because I feel like my empathy has grown tenfold?  Or will I be a lousy worker because I will be too emotionally attached to everybody and everything?  A friend and I were talking once about how our emotions run so incredibly high after having a baby, and she stated that she felt it was because we feel like we have “given birth to everything” and so have a connection that is so.  Will this be the case at work?  I’m anxious, excited, and nervous to see where this “new” path of work leads me, my emotional well-being, and my family.  Chaos or connections?  Conundrum or charisma?

I’m constantly blasting Kyle’s ears off with self-revelations, affirmations on how I have grown as a person, ideas of where I want to go with my life, my career, my passions.  At this point, I have so many.  And while a lot of them are the same, some of them have changed.  It is going to be a balance of priorities, a balance of my passions, and a balance of my duties, in a sense.  Can I combine my birthy obsessions with social work?  I think I can.  I’ve always considered myself to be an empathetic, passionate, and caring person, and I feel like the transformation to motherhood has only enhanced these qualities in me.  I am more assertive, though some might argue that started when I was pregnant.  Though some might argue that my assertiveness was not assertiveness at all as much as it was aggression.  I would disagree, though I guess that point is moot.

SO while the subject of Hiatus has turned into much more than that, they are one and the same, really.  I sort of feel like my hiatus this past year, has been a hiatus from everything that once was, and now has turned into what is, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.  For real.  I have less money than ever before, but for some reason I am happier and more fulfilled.  Gosh, I s’pose babies and children will do that to a mama.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Cade, Mamabear. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Me and the Fluff. It’s So Much More Than Just The Thighs.

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. laurie  |  September 2, 2011 at 5:16 am

    ummm while you were pregnant assertive yes, aggressive well yes but that was funny!!! btw not to make you any more stressed out you are also coming back to a new job, new supervisor and new team… but hey your old cronies will be in the same office building and we dont have to move to the dreaded cubicles till March!!!

    Reply
    • 2. tristadawn  |  September 2, 2011 at 3:08 pm

      hahaha, I was aggressive to people I had to be aggressive to. oi!!
      I know.. new job.. new everything. ack. I guess we shall see.
      can I come cry in your office…..errrr cubicle, if need be?? haha

      Reply
  • 3. Cristin  |  September 2, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Lovely.

    We took a significant wage cut when I went down to 25%, and it really hasn’t changed anything. We get happier every day b/c of the joy our children bring into our lives. So I totally relate to your “broke, but happy” line:)

    You are his mom, that will never change, no matter how much you work. You will always be his #1,

    Reply
    • 4. tristadawn  |  September 2, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      Hi Cristin! thanks for commenting. I am a sucker for comments.
      I’m happy you can relate to the broke but happy bit. it’s true isn’t it.
      money sure ain’t everything.
      does it help and do I wish I had more of it? yup, of course I do.
      but we’re making it. and we’re loving it. :)
      thanks for the encouragement xo

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 27 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 32,818 hits

Archives


%d bloggers like this: