Posts tagged ‘birthing’

The First Year.

 

It’s not even that I have been procrastinating, I just haven’t really had time.  The start of the first year, our lives changed dramatically, and the same goes for the start of the second year.  What a whirlwind.  I got to a point tonight where I started to feel severely overwhelmed.  I can keep my shit together, for the most part.  We’re nearing the end of back to work week 3, and it is sort of sinking in that, yup, this is how it will be for the next little while.  It is hard and draining and emotionally overwhelming.  Being AT work itself is not horrible.  My office has a window and that helps exponentially.  I think about my my boy, my love, and my pooch constantly, but the work itself?  Fine.  I am not knee deep in it yet though.  Maybe ask me in a month?

The after work part is the hardest.  At about 3pm I start to feel completely tapped out and drained.  So by the time we pick up the boy from daycare (which is going swimmingly!) and then get home, unload, put away stuff from the day, I am spent.  And that’s before supper.  I’m trying to go to bed at a decent hour, and I have to, because as of 3 days ago I made a decision to start waking up at 5am so I can be at the gym for 5:30.   But I’m still absolutely drained of energy by the end of the day.  The thought of cleaning, the thought of doing dishes, the thought of any extra responsibility tires me.  I know it will take getting used to and I am really trying to be positive.  It’s just hard.  The year I had with my boy is the year I got used to, and now it has changed again.  The post-partum adjustment period was crazy.  I remember March being a rough month.  In hindsight, it was pretty bad.   I was in a bad place and didn’t bother to seek out support aside from my immediate peeps.  Not good.  So my point, is that it took me awhile.  I thought I was awesome with change but apparently it takes me a little bit.  The only thing I can think to do, is to remind myself that this is okay.  It’s okay if I need time.

The issue I am struggling with the most is that the bulk of my energy is going to work.  I don’t think this is a bad thing, obviously.  I like my work, I enjoy what I do, and I’m passionate about it.  I put in my all when I am at work, but I have made a promise to myself that I am not carrying it home with me.  I cannot do that.  It would not be fair to me, but mostly, it would not be fair to my family.  I already am struggling with the fact that at the end of the day, when I’m spent, my fuse is shortened, my patience thinner.  I am not being the best mother that I can be.   I am not being the best partner I can be.  I am probably not being the best friend I can be either.  I know what my potential is (sorta – sometimes my modesty gets in the way) and it saddens me that I am not living up to it.  I don’t think my standards are high, it is simply a matter of routine, and getting into it.  Figuring out how to jive with this new life thing.

So technically that is part of the second year and since this is supposed to be a reflection… onward!

My first year of motherhood, eh?  I don’t even really feel like I can completely capture it appropriately with words, but I’m going to give it a shot.

For starters, the moment I birthed my boy, my life was forever transformed.  And at that point, I didn’t even realize how much that statement was going to be truer than true.  From the getgo, I fell immediately in love with this most precious little being.  (We officially 100% completely bonded on all applicable levels, not immediately, not even the next day, but I remember the moment I thought oh THIS is bonding, I thought that I was bonded before but no, THIS is it.  Before?  That was survival).  My body, our bodies, created life.  This simple fact blows my mind to this very day.  It’s not even unnatural, obviously, it’s happening by the second, worldwide.  But it’s beautiful and unreal.  It is captivating.

We began to embark on a journey of sorts.  It started out rocky.  We still hit rocky patches.  But mostly, it’s smooth.  And journeys are sort of boring when they become too consistent, right?   I am grateful and overjoyed that my boy keeps me on my toes, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.  I am not even exaggerating.  He is a busy, busy little soul, and an explorer at heart.  I am so excited to watch where his soul, his explorer capabilities take him.   Every day he makes me smile, every day he makes me laugh.  What gets me through every single work day, is knowing that at the end of it, I get to run up to the door (sometimes if I’m nice I let Kyle go), open the door handle, and see the most beautiful little face, waiting for me, reaching for me.  It warms my heart.  Honestly, sometimes so much I fear the risk of overheating.

It blows my mind the amount of stuff children learn and do in the first year of their life.  That is IN-TENSE.  Smile. Laugh. Roll over. Hold things. Sit up. Crawl. Stand up. Walk (sometimes).  Play.  Learn.  Talk.  Eat.  Drink.  Develop the strongest relationship with his pup.  ;)  The other day I was asking my little angel to give his mama a kiss, and he, without breaking his look away from the passerbys in the grocery store of course, opened up his mouth, leaned in to me, and planted the sloppiest wettest most awesome kiss ever.   It fascinates me (but not really, because I already know that children are obviously so smart, they are human friggin’ beings!) that he knows how to do this, and just picked up on it like so.   And that is only one example.  Kid blows my mind.

And as for my own personal journey from being a woman, to being a woman with a child, a mother, this little boy has changed me in ways that even I will not be able to pinpoint.  All I know is, I feel in some ways like a completely different woman, but in some (a lot) of ways, exactly the same.  There are things I get now, that I had no concept of before, mostly because I didn’t feel the need to have a concept of.  There are things I am passionate about now that were over my head before.  My ability to be assertive has increased tenfold, and along with that, I have softened up by even more.  Everything is touching, everything is special and sentimental.  A friend said to me, it’s because we have given birth, and so we feel like we have given birth to everything, and I couldn’t have said it better.  I feel like I am on a path that I was not on before.  I have hopes and dreams and passions that I want to fulfill.  The concept of health means more to me than it ever did.  I really feel like I have never worked this hard to be healthy in my life, aside maybe from when I was pregnant, because I truly felt at my healthiest then.  It is one thing to put healthy, wholesome things in our body, and to regulate how we manage our muscles and our bones.  But this here mind, this here heart, this shit needs to be in tip-top shape.  I have recognized ways in which I am not being the best person I can be.  It’s not even that I have some ridiculously high standards for myself, because I really don’t think I do.  In fact, I think that I am living my life in an even simpler way than before, if that is even possible.

I have never had as little money as I do right now, but I have never felt this happy.  Or this excited about what tomorrow, or next week, or next year, might bring.  I have never felt so connected to a little being before.  I still cannot believe I am a mother and I have a son.  I have never felt this intimate with my spouse.  There’s this super intense level of intimacy, bonding, and energy field that has developed – or maybe not so much developed as expanded – between the two of us, and how we interact with one another, and with other important people in our lives.  I have never had as many ridiculous 3am sleep-deprived arguments in my life, but I have never had as much positive growth and soul-searching either.  My life, our lives, have changed exponentially.  I can’t put it into words but as you can see – if you’ve made it this far – I have tried.  I might have different ways of doing things, or varying ideas and beliefs than before (or perhaps they are simply just interpreted as so or are just being voiced now by the new assertive me ;).  But different does not have to mean bad or negative.  I am not scared of change or growth, and I don’t want you to be either.  Look where it’s got us so far?

November 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm 3 comments

10 + IChallengeYou.

I’m trying to build a little community here.  And plus, who doesn’t like knowing people are reading and taking in their schtuff?  I know I certainly do.

Because not every post can be an in-depth analysis or reflection on my life as a woman or my life as a momma, I am going to post about 10 things I’m currently obsessin’ on.   THINGS.  Not people, not places, things, food, drink, interests.  Purely materialistic.  Purely probably consumerism.    So in order to balance out this corporate-ish inspired list, I’m asking you, my dear readers (and I know there are several of you) to post a comment, letting me know who you are, where you’re at, and one thing that would be on your list.  And ’cause I’ve said it so any times, if you blog, TELL ME, so I can come e-visit you. 

1. LONDON FOGS aka EARL GREY LATTES: I’m on a mission to dramatically reduce/cut out dairy (mostly dairy containing lactose) and so these suckas have got to be made with soy milk for me to fully enjoy them.  And fully enjoy them I do.  Kyle has learned how to re-create the Starbucks version so that we can try to adhere to a budget, prepare them at our own convenience, support our own kitchen more than Starbucks’, and control the nutritional value of them.  Kyle’s version has 1 Earl Grey tea bag, 1/2 the mug with soy milk, 1/2 the mug with water, 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract, and then a varied amount of sugar in the raw – I usually aim for less.

  2. PRAIRIE INK RESTAURANT’S CITRUS & FETA SALAD: I never thought I was a lover of salad that contains fruit (except for pure fruit salad, which I craved big time when I was with child).  However, this all changed when I tried the salad at McNally’s in-house restaurant.  It’s got greens, olives, mandarin oranges, feta cheese, red onions, grilled chicken breast, and topped with a… ranch (I think?) dressing.  Delish and I want it now now now.

3. ERGO CARRIER: Kyle’s parents recently purchased an Ergo baby carrier for us and we love it, but more importantly, Cade loves it.  It’s super comfy to wear, supportive for my little guy, and portable and convenient.  We pop Cade in it when we’re grocery shopping, browsing at the mall, or like today, checking out a ‘baby show extravaganza.’  It’s so nice to have him close by, and most of the time, he’ll fall asleep in it.  I cannot wait until this horrid weather pisses off and we can use it to go for our daily dog park visits. 

4. FACEBOOK: Not gonna lie, I’m a fan.  I probably spend more time on it than I should, though that amount has dramatically decreased since the little stinker man arrived.  I used to make it a priority to play Wheel of Fortune, so I could get my free spin.  Super pathetic?  A little bit.  Now I just creep, and network, and post photos and stories of my own life.  Some may say I am exploiting my child, my dog, and my family.  I don’t see it as that.  I am sharing my joy with other people in my life that I care about.  I love being able to stay in touch with people. Yes, this is possible without Facebook, and yes Facebook just makes certain things more convenient, but I’m okay with convenience. 

5. The BUMBO CHAIR: Cade loves it.  LOVES IT.  If he didn’t like it, we obviously would not sit him in it.  He looks so sweet, his little thighs in between the chair legs, and it’s safe and practical.  We took it out to the restaurant tonight and he sat in it while we ate.  It’s the perfect place to seat my little guy if he is getting bored of hanging out in my arms, or any other position he likes to chill out in.  We can have great little chats, and he flashes me his perfect little smile.  Life is good.

6. PREGNANCY, BIRTHING, POSTPARTUM: Ever since going through this most amazing, beautiful (yes, nausea, swollen feet, intense contractions, bowel movements, struggles, crying and all) it is all I want to talk about.  I love being able to relate to all of these amazing women who have given birth and been through these experiences.  I love having friends who are going through these stages of life at the same time as me (and those that aren’t, I love you because you’ve been incredibly supportive).  I love reflecting on my own experiences, though sometimes it is emotional and a struggle, for varying reasons.  I love learning about birthing wisdom, women’s bodies, and how we are meant to give birth and how this experience can be influenced.

7. BLOGS: I don’t watch TV; I read blogs.  I don’t write in a journal; I blog.   I am a lover of all things blog!  I wish more people in my life blogged.  I wish I didn’t have writer’s block so often so I could dream up amazing topics and present you with wonderful, humorous posts.  I try though.  Some days I think I’m doing an okay job, and some days I look back and scoff.  Mostly it’s a chance for me to purge my feelings, however strong and emotional, or mild and seemingly unimportant, they may be.  I love commenting and making new friends via the blog world.  One of my favourite new blogs/websites which I have to give a shout out to, is The Birthing Site.  There’s a forum and the women who have created the site are support supportive and are constantly putting up new articles and videos on pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum information.

8. FERTILITY AWARENESS: I’ve talked about it lots, but I’m really into Toni Weschler’s book.  It should be incorporated into school curriculums as mandatory learning.  Toni’s book fits in there with the likes of Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women’s Health Collective, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christianne Northrup, and from what I’ve been told, Ina May Gaskin’s work as well (whom I’ve yet to read but she’s next on the list).  I’m excited to begin the progress of learning even more about my body.  I thought I knew lots, but I’m not even a quarter of the way into the book and Toni has already taught me lots.  You’re likely to read about some of my experiences into this new world, and I’d love to hear from more people who have learned more about their bodies through this method (or other natural methods) as well.

9. PODCASTS: For the bus ride to my mom’s (where we’re at now), I downloaded a wack of podcasts to listen to on my iPod.  Most were from the Pregtastic and New Moms, New Babies podcasts.  From what I could tell, the Pregtastic podcasts all start out with a round table discussion of pregnant women talking about the ups and downs of their pregnant experience thus far.  Obviously, if you read back to number 6, you will know that of course I appreciate and love this.  On both podcasts, they also have guest speakers, and each show has varying topics.  Because the iTunes store is wonderful, you can basically find any podcast you want, and lots of them are free too.  CBC has tons of great talk and indie music podcasts that I’ve got as well, including some of my favourite work out podcasts, Sweatin’ to the Indies.

10. EXERCISE: I know this one seems lame, and it kind of is.  But I’ve been hitting the gym as part of my get-fit-and-healthy routine, and I love it.  Not every day do I want to go to the gym, but once I am there and sweating, I feel so fabulous.  It is true what they say about exercise being a great way to reduce the negativity in one’s body.  I feel great after I’m done too.  Not only that, but it’s a wonderful way for me to have some ‘me’ time out of the house, and for Kyle to have some father and son time, inside of the house.  I think if I hadn’t started to exercise more, these silly post-partum hormones would be sinking deeper and deeper, rather than getting better, which is what I THINK they’re doing.  At least most of the time. 

That was actually a lot harder than I expected it to be.  I guess I don’t have as many obsessions as I thought I did?  Not any obvious ones anyway.  I’m a fan of lists though, and they’re easier to trudge through than a hearty post, particularly when I’m not feeling introspective enough to put together anything too big.  Now that you’ve hopefully and not too painfully made it through that list, re-read the first paragraph of this post and make my heart happy.  Much love to you, my lovely audience.  xoxo.

March 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm 4 comments

Reflections on Pregnancy and Post-Partum.

Hello, hi, it’s me, mamabear blogger!  I’ve become one and I love it.  Of course it’s not all I talk about, but it’s a huge chunk of what goes in my life, so it’s a huge chunk of what goes on in blogworld for me.  Live it, breathe it, read it, write it.  I’m also slightly addicted to reading about all things baby, all things mama, all things birthing.  I’ve downloaded a whack of pregnancy/birthing/baby podcasts for Cade and I’s Greyhound bus ride tomorrow.  Found this survey on Cristin’s blog, who is one of the creators of TheBirthingSite which you should check out.  Thought the survey was great so I stole it am doing it myself, but not without credit of course!
Part 1: Pregnancy – Recall the following from your pregnancy or if you are pregnant right now, tell me how you feel.
List 5 things you love about being pregnant.

  1. Prior to looking pregnant and having really told anyone about it, it was pretty fun having this little secret between Kyle and I (and some family and close friends) though extremely hard not to burst out and tell everyone!
  2. Feeling my baby move, kick, punch, and hiccup (though the hiccups made me sad sometimes!).  That is one of the most amazing feelings ever.
  3. While sometimes it was hard not knowing if we were going to be parents to a boy or girl, it was super fun not knowing and playing the guessing game.
  4. Being absolutely blown away that Kyle and I had created life, and that life was being nurtured by my body, growing, living, and surviving.  So, so natural but absolutely mind-blowing.
  5. Belonging to the pregnancy club and having that special unspoken bond with so many pregnant women that I didn’t even know.   At work, since there were so many of us pregnant, it was an ongoing fun little thing between us all that I loved, and now that we’re all moms (or almost!) that club is now a mama-bear ‘club’ which is awesome.
List 5 things you don’t love so much about being pregnant.
  1. Always wondering if certain feelings were normal and healthy for my baby and I.
  2. I was always so warm!
  3. The tiredness – though I really shouldn’t complain, because over all, I had a very amazing pregnancy.
  4. Your body is now everyone’s business and people are free to make any sort of comments they want.  I realize most people do not do it out of maliciousness, but sometimes things come across like, whoa?  Really?
  5. Having anxieties about how I would be as a parent, and freaked out that I knew nothing.  Turns out I knew more than I thought I did.
List 5 feelings you have about the birth.
  1. I was so scared of tearing and while I wasn’t generally nervous to go through labour or delivery, I had a hard time believing I could push a baby out of my vagina!
  2. I didn’t have a ‘birth plan’ necessarily, but just really wanted to have a positive, good experience that would result in a healthy, thriving baby.
  3. I was a bit nervous to be in the hospital, since I had never really had a hospital stay.  Though I must say, it went over well, and the nurses and doctors were all pretty wonderful.
  4. I was nervous that I would have to get a C-Section.
  5. Since my blood pressure had been creeping up towards the end of my pregnancy, I was scared once the word ‘induction’ was tossed into the picture that I would have to be induced early and not go into labour naturally.   I was induced after all, but turned out to be alright, for the most part.
List 5 feelings about becoming a mom.
  1. How the heck do I take care of a baby?  I know nothing, NO-THING!  I am going to suck at this mom thing.
  2. How will I deal with crying?  I have a hard time listening to crying, what if my baby is colicky (he kinda was, but we trudged on through!)
  3. Nervous about the ‘right’ way to raise a child to be healthy and secure.
  4. So excited that our child would grow up with a lovely little doggy, and our doggy would grow up with a lovely little child, and we would get to parent both of them.
  5. Absolutely ecstatic to see how Kyle and I’s relationship would handle this new, intense, beautiful curve ball.  (4 months in and our relationship and bond with each other is stronger than other, we have come together quite nicely to form a little parenting team!)

Part 2: Your Birth Experience (if you haven’t had your baby yet, you can skip this part)
List 5 things you most liked about the birth.
  1. Having Cade placed on my chest the second he was born.  It was the most amazing feeling ever and I was absolutely beside myself.  I could not believe that this little boy was mine to love and nurture, and I could not believe how darn CUTE and healthy he was!  I made sure to have those around me aware of this as well, I don’t think I shut up about how amazing, how beautiful, how cute, how much I loved him!
  2. That I was able to be in good spirits and joke around and be happy throughout my labour.
  3. I was so glad to have my mom and Kyle in the delivery room with me, as well as a really great nurse (nurses – but the one who was there for the delivery was fabulous) and my own doctor.  Such a great support team.
  4. Having John Mayer playing throughout my labour.  We picked John Mayer because I listened to a lot of his stuff when I was pregnant, and so it just seemed appropriate.  It totally was.
  5. Doing what I felt I had to do at each moment and at the time feeling like it was the right decision for us.
List 5 things you wish had been different.
  1. I wish I never had to be induced.  Induction with Cervidil led to Pitocin.  When the word Pitocin came up, I decided to get the epidural as I had read too much and heard too much about the extremely excruciating and intense contractions that were brought on by Pitocin.  There is a part of me that wonders how much my low milk supply has been affected by the oxytocin/epidural/ton of IV fluids given to me.
  2. I wish I would have demanded to start breastfeeding Cade immediately after he was born.
  3. I wish I could have stayed home longer, labouring there where I was most comfortable, before going to the hospital.
  4. I wish that I would not have torn so bad.  I had third degree tearing, and then granulation tissue after that, so it was nearly 3 and a half months before my perineum was feeling half decent again.
  5. I wish I would have educated myself more on a natural birth and how best to achieve this.  I realize it is not a competition and that there are no medals or trophies given out for women who do it naturally, but that’s not what natural (or should I say unmedicated) childbirth is about, oh no no no.
Part 3: I am a Mom!!! (If you haven’t had your baby yet, you can skip this part)
List 5 of your greatest joys of being a mom.
  1. Watching Cade grow.  While sometimes I think he is growing too fast, sometimes I cannot wait to get to the next milestone.  It is amazing watching him develop and all the new little things he does every day.  His latest is wanting to shove my hands (and his hands, or anything he is holding, or anything I am holding…) into his cute little mouth.
  2. The relationship between Kyle and his son is amazing and I love to watch Kyle be a dad.  He is fabulous, is such a good father, and while I had no doubts he would be, I absolutely love it.   This might be dorky, but I love watching Cade and Lily’s relationship grow too.  Cade is starting to be more interested and watching her more, and Lily is just so good with him.  She is gentle, always has to be near him, or always has to be on his blankets, toys or chair.
  3. The surges of love I get for my little guy.  So incredible.  I love his reactions to me, seeing him smile at things I say, and he gets sort of ‘coy’ or flirty, which is so priceless and adorable.
  4. Snuggles and kisses with Cade.  There is nothing like it at all!
  5. Feeling such a huge attachment and bond that is just growing by the day.  The amount of love I feel for my son is amazing amazing amazing.

List 5 of your biggest challenges of being a mom.
  1. I Google too much!  I read about this theory, this parenting method, this approach, and am always second guessing my instincts.
  2. Having to let things go (such as the dirty dishes, or the filthy bathroom).  They can’t always get done in a day’s work, and I have to become more accepting of that.
  3. Always wondering if I am doing a good job, if I am raising Cade to be healthy, secure, assertive, and confident.  I want the absolute best for my son and sometimes on those really dark days, I question if I am giving him the very best.
  4. Finding ‘couple time’ for Kyle and I.  While I find that our relationship is stronger and more solid than ever, it is different, and sometimes I feel like we have not talked about anything other than Cade for weeks.
  5. Dealing with the pesky, pesky hormones.  They creep up and they can be mean sometimes.  They have resulted in many a crying fests, sleep deprivation (moreso than the norm, I’d say – some nights I just cannot fall asleep, no matter how tired I am), and some mild depressed feelings.  Overall I am doing okay, but they were and can be tricky to deal with, especially on top of sleep deprivation ANYWAY, and healing from physical changes post-partum.  Sometimes makes even just changing a diaper extremely hard.

So, if y’all have blogs, please do this. It’s fun and helps you reflect.  If you don’t blog, do it on your Facebook or something.  or better yet, get a blog, git ‘er done.

goodnight and sweet dreams. signing off, yours truly. xo!

March 7, 2011 at 11:22 pm Leave a comment

The Birth of Cade.

38 weeks – the night before getting induced.

I guess you could say my life changed the day we found out we were pregnant.  There were so many things to think about, considerations to be made, planning to be done, and of course, names to be chosen.  Since I was barely four weeks along when we happened upon the positive pregnancy test, I had assumed that the following 36 (ish) weeks would feel like forever – not in a bad way, but in a I Just Want To Meet You Little Sweet Babe But This Is Dragging On kind of way.  Totally wrong.  The weeks flew by and flew by.  And I had a really great pregnancy – minimal nausea or other ‘effects.’  I remained very active throughout the whole 9 months – walking twice a day and in the first few months, going to the gym a couple times a week.  I think this helped me cope with pregnancy and all it brings, and it helped me to get through the labour and delivery as well.  I remember being half way there and feeling like that was insane.  Then I remember having two months of work left.  Then one.  Then a week.  And then I went off work a couple days earlier than planned because we decided that taking care of myself and relaxing was way more important than putting in my last three days of work before my leave.  Also, my next doctor’s appointment was possibly going to change the ‘outcome’ of the pregnancy – if my blood pressure continued to teeter and act up, then I would be getting induced the following week – essentially three days after my planned last day of work.  In my head I had planned two weeks off before my due date, and so in my head I had also planned relaxing, nesting, and preparing (can you even do that?) to meet my child.

On Monday November 1, 2010, I went for my weekly doctor’s appointment to find my blood pressure high.  It slowly crept up towards the end of my pregnancy, and is always slightly high in the doctor’s office as well.  My doctor sent me for another non-stress test (I had had one the following week) along with blood work and an ultrasound to see how baby and I were doing.  Everything looked really great and there were no concerns presented as a result of the tests – however, my doctor, as well as an obstetrician who I saw once during my pregnancy and again at the hospital that day, both agreed that because I was 38 weeks pregnant, it was best to induce rather than to let my blood pressure creep up and up.  Baby would be fine, they assured me.  And baby was fine.  Baby is perfect.  But that’s for later…


So after spending a good chunk of November 1st at the hospital, we were given instructions to return the following morning, when I would be induced.  That evening was spent doing the ‘finishing touches’ – doing some laundry, ensuring everything was packed in our hospital bag, eating falafel shwarama, and of course, celebrating the sooner-than-we-thought birth with Blizzards!  It was weird going to bed that night – knowing that it could possibly (and probably would be) the last night it would just be Kyle and I, and the last night we would likely be sleeping for a solid several hours at a time.

The hospital called us that next morning to tell us to come in between 9:00 a.m. and 9:30 a.m.  We did one quick check of our bags to make sure we had everything, took Lily for a refreshing walk, cleared our heads, and off we went.  I’m pretty certain I had tears several times that morning.  Induction scared me.  It wasn’t how I saw things happening, but I had to let go of my expectations and recognize that this decision was being made for my child’s best interests.  Still, I wanted to experience the whole “I think I’m in labour?  Is this labour?  Are these contractions?  Uhm, pretty sure my water just broke.”  And I feared that with being induced, I wouldn’t have that because I wasn’t letting nature run its course.  At this point, I had to really just suck it up and be excited – after all, we were going to meet our sweet baby sooner than we had thought, what is not to celebrate about that?

We got to the hospital and ended up waiting and waiting, probably until about 11:00 a.m. to be shown to our room on Antepartum.  Did the routine pee sample and blood pressure check, and then we waited some more.  The nurse came and hooked baby and mom up to the fetal heart rate/contraction monitors, and then I was given the task of lying there for probably about an hour so that the heart rate could be monitored.  Kyle and I hung out, sharing laughs, excitement, and anxieties.  And then I ditched him to read the book he bought me, “Shopaholic and Baby.”  It was only appropriate.  Part of me was antsy and seriously wanting a doctor to come and “check me” so we could see if my cervix was dialated at all – pretty sure that was the first time I’ve ever really really wanted to have a stranger examine me.  And the doctor did just that – examined me – along with the resident who stood there and watched.  And then – he was having trouble finding my cervix.  Silly cervix!  He went and got a female doctor, who also checked me and found my cervix easier (and made it a lot more comfortable for me, gee whiz!)  Might I add that perhaps being gentle aids in finding “hidden” body parts, as well as using lubrication.  UGH – someone oughtta tell those doctors!

Shortly after they checked me, a parade of 5 people came into my room – the nurse, a nursing student, and the three doctors/residents from before.  I suggested to them that there was a party in my room, and perhaps that is why they were all there.  The nursing student had the brilliant idea that we were going to dance to the beat of baby’s heart beat.  I was down for that.  However, they weren’t there for just any ol’ party – they were there for the Induction Party!  Finally finally finally.  I was being induced with Cervidil, which is like a long thin tampon that is inserted and placed on the cervix.  It is supposed to soften and dialate the cervix to induce labour.  It doesn’t always work and can be inserted up to three times.  When it doesn’t work, the next option for induction is the Pitocon/Cintocinon (Oxytocin) IV drip.  I really hoped it would work.  I talked to my body and my baby before they inserted it as well as after – I encouraged them – I told them that we could get it to work, we just had to work together.  Work together we did – while the Cervidil was inserted at 1:10 p.m. and they monitored the baby’s heart rate for an hour after that, I still wasn’t really feeling any contractions.  At about 4:00 p.m. they let us go home so that I could labour there.  They just gave me strict instructions that if my contractions were regular or my water broke, that I was to call the hospital and then come in.  We were so glad to be able to go home – way more comfortable there, and we were able to have some more time together, experiencing this other new stage before the NEW new stage…

Trendy hospital garb – fake Uggs, purse, gown & robe.  After getting the Cervidil, going for walks to kill time.

Around 6:00 p.m. that evening I was feeling a little uncomfortable and crampy.  I figured this was either the Cervidil doin’ it’s thang, or else my body was rejecting it.  I didn’t know what contractions were supposed to feel like, and I didn’t have any Braxton Hicks during my pregnancy, so I was just going to take everything in stride.  My mom, Carter and Justin were on their way to Saskatoon to share in the excitement, and so while we waited for them to arrive, and while I was progressively getting more uncomfortable and the cramps were being stronger – I laid in bed with Kyle and a hot water bottle and rode the waves.  By the time my family arrived, I was feeling more than a little uncomfortable.  Sitting in my breastfeeding chair, I would occasionally stop talking and contort my body in order to pace myself through whatever these feelings were – probably contractions?  Still wasn’t 100 % sure at that point.  However, when I went to bed and they were not getting any better, we were pretty sure we had them pinned down to contractions.  Particularly so when at 2:00 a.m. these ‘cramps’ were happening every 2-3 minutes and lasting about 40 seconds each.  And getting more painful.  My mom could hear that I was experiencing something not that lovely, and so she came to our room to see how we were doing.  Kyle had suggested that maybe we should go to the hospital, as did my mom.  I was about to get up to walk around the house a bit and phone the hospital to see what they suggested when I felt a surge of wetness in between my legs.  My water broke!  I was having regular contractions!  This is what I wanted!   I went “uhh, uh oh!?” and Kyle and my mom were confused as to what happened.  “I think my water just broke!” I said, as my pants were clearly getting wetter.  I hopped in the shower to rinse myself off, but not before my mom made me leave the bathroom door open.  Just in case I came out with a baby?  Everyone watching over the momma-to-be!  We grabbed our bags (previously packed, of course), and I grabbed some water and snacks for the ride there.  I was feeling nauseous and wasn’t sure if it was the pain or hunger, so I went prepared.  Kyle dropped me off at the Emergency entrance and went to park.  I paced around the entrance, told the Triage nurse that I was in labour but had already been admitted, and then proceeded to lean on a desk when the contractions came.  When I saw Kyle walk through the doors, I was ever so grateful.  Let’s get this party going!

We went up to the 4th floor – antepartum/maternity, where we were shown to a room and I was again hooked up to the monitors.  A doctor and nurse came in to check my cervix, at which point they decided I was 3-4 cm. dialated.  The doctor thought that my water hadn’t broken as he thought the membranes were still there.  Uuhm, well if that wasn’t my water then what was it?  I think he even tried to suggest that sometimes women leak a little bit of urine when in labour.  Dude!  It wasn’t urine!  My water totally broke.  A little while after that, the nurse who was with the doctor came in to check me, as she felt that the doctor “was a little rough” and she wanted to see for herself how I was progressing.  Well she thought my water had broken, so HA – take that doc.  After that, they needed to see 3 increases in baby’s heart rate, so we were hooked up for quite awhile as baby’s heart rate seemed to be quite consistent.  Once there were some elevations, we were free to walk around and do as we wished.  Hooray!  I was also anxiously awaiting the Jacuzzi tub, however both of them were broken down and so that option was sadly a no go.  I was offered the epidural and told them I’d wait it out for a bit and think about it.  Well we did certainly wait it out.

We got to the hospital just before 4:00 a.m. and for a couple hours, Kyle and I spent our time walking the hallways, with every contraction stopping at a couch or bench so I could get on all fours and have Kyle massage my back.  A co-worker told me that when you are experiencing pain from contractions, to think of it as a wave that peaks and then gets better, as well as to visualize something calming and soothing.  I combined the two and visualized an actual wave, in a very blue ocean, getting as big as a tidal wave does, and then settling down.  I’m not sure if it helped – but it certainly didn’t hurt my calming techniques.  Somewhere in those couple of hours, my brother downloaded a Contraction Timer for his iPhone and he was predicting when the next contraction would come, how long it would last, etc.  It was pretty accurate – until I got too annoyed with it!  My mom, Carter and Justin all hung out in the waiting room watching TV, so Kyle and I would pop in there on our hallway rounds.  Is it weird to say that I had fun in labour?  That as painful and hard as it was, I enjoyed myself?  Well, there, I said it anyway.

At about 8:00 a.m. I decided I wanted to get the epidural.  I felt like the day would be extremely long if I didn’t, and I wanted to be energized and ready to push my baby out when that time came.  Given that I barely slept the previous night and would probably not be sleeping that day or night, I decided the epidural was the best option for me, and it really was.  I’m so glad I decided to get it and I feel that it really allowed me to have a wonderful labour and birthing experience, and provided me with rejuvenation and energy to make it through the day and feel totally okay and at ease with everything that was going on.  I pretty much joked around throughout my whole labour as well as part of my delivery.  I also feel that my attitude going into labour/delivery helped to create a positive experience – I was trying not to be fearful of the process, and instead, recognizing that I could get through it, and that I trusted that my body knew what to do.  Calmness helped me to perservere, I really believe that. The nurses called me a trooper, and said that I made their job a lot easier.  I’m not braggin’ – just saying, it was an amazing experience and I’m glad I was able to experience it the way I did, with the people I did.  The hospital staff were all wonderful too.  So understanding, kind-hearted, and plus it didn’t hurt that they gave me delicious popsicles upon request.

Chillin’ with my lovelies while in labour.  Mmmm… popsicles.

Anyway, so after requesting the epidural, it took probably about an hour and a half until the anaesthesiologist was able to come to the room and give me the epidural.  In that time, I had a couple doctors check my cervix, including my own doctor.  She popped in to the hospital around 8:30 a.m. or so and was I so very glad to see her.  She is a fabulous doctor and I can confidently say that even more so now after having gone through my whole pregnancy, labour and delivery with her.  She has a very soothing and calming effect on me, and was very wonderful to have as a sort of ‘coach’ during Cade’s delivery.  She checked me and thought I was about 4 cm. dialated and that yes, my water had broken.  Hoorah!  I was still waiting for the epidural at this point and was just really focusing on my breathing when the contractions would come.  My doctor watched me through some contractions and timed them and decided that it was probably best if we also hooked me up to an IV for me to receive Cintocinon.  Apparently with this IV drip contractions can be extremely painful, but since I was going to be getting the epidural this was not a huge concern.  Around 9:30 a.m. the anaesthesiologist showed up with everything ready to give me my epidural.  They put an IV in (first time getting an IV for me!), and then sterilized my back where they would be giving me the epidural and then threading the catheter through so that I could be constantly receiving the epidural.  It didn’t really hurt – it just felt like a really sharp needle poking me for a couple seconds.  The only tricky part was sitting still through the contractions, however he timed it fairly good in that he started the process immediately after a contraction.  It didn’t take that long for the epidural to kick in – I knew it was working when I stopped feeling my contractions.  I remember asking a nurse “is this normal for me to not feel my contractions?  Does that mean the epidural is working, or does it mean my contractions have stopped?”  I became paranoid for about 5 seconds and then I realized that epidurals are wonder drugs, and I was sure to tell the nurses and doctors that periodically throughout the day.

At 11:30 a.m. approximately, I was checked again by a doctor and it was determined that I was 6 cm. dialated.  Holy shamoly!  So exciting and so WEIRD to see progress.  There is a point where I thought I would never progress to being 10 cm. dialated – but I did, and to hear those words is so weird.  (Even weirder to hear that it is time to push!)  I did some quick math in my head – okay, so if typically women dialate 1 cm. per hour, then I should be fully dialated by about 3 p.m., and baby should be here shortly after that?  Not quite… though I did manage to keep the Facebook folks fairly updated, with some brief updates from the birthing room J  At 2:30 p.m. I was 8 cm. dialated, and at 4:30 p.m. I was 10 cm. dialated.  However, this did not mean that baby was ready and willing to enter the world.  We still had to wait for baby to descend down the birth canal a bit.  If I was to start pushing then, it would have been extremely exhausting for both baby and myself.  And so we wait again.  You really learn patience when in labour!  In the afternoon, I was having trouble going pee, related to the epidural, so I was given an in and out catheter twice before giving birth.  Thankfully the epidural makes it so you cannot feel the catheter, either, and also I should mention, you can’t feel those uncomfortable cervix checks!

The night before I was induced, Kyle made me a CD with John Mayer songs on it.  I listened to a lot of John Mayer while pregnant, and so I figured this was totally appropriate, and also, John Mayer has quite a soothing voice.  It was so nice to be able to pop that in the CD player in our room and listen to it on repeat while in labour.  Kyle and I both had our cell phones, providing updates to people via text message and Facebook.  Kyle was able to munch on yummy snacks (Starbucks, Teddy Grahams…) while I was ever so delighted to be able to have my clear fluids diet for lunch and supper.  Chicken broth for lunch and beef broth for supper.  Such variety.  The only good things were the juice and the jell-o!  But I was so very very hungry and very conscious of the fact that I needed to keep my energy levels up to be able to push my babe out, that I ate the atrocities of food that they gave me.  Along with a couple popsicles.  Seriously, Royal University Hospital has the BEST popsicles and I am wondering where they get their supply.

My doctor showed up to the hospital around 5:00 p.m. to see how I was progressing.  She checked me and yes yes yes, I was 10 cm. dialated but baby had to move down some more!  I told her I was experiencing a lot of pressure in my pelvis when the contractions came, however I could not feel the contractions anywhere else.  This was a good sign, that I was feeling pressure.  She told me that I could give myself extra ‘doses’ of the epidural by pushing a little button, so that I could make the pressure a little more bearable.  Well surely I was going to up my dosage if I had access to it!  I did that a few times, and I remember watching the IV bag with the epidural juice in it.  It was slowly starting to run out and I had a little bit of a moment.  I asked the nurse and she refilled it.  Phew.  I had this vision of it running out and me panicking.  But that thankfully didn’t happen.  As baby still had a little ways to come down, my doctor left, but we knew she’d be back within a couple hours for the birth of our babe.  How exciting.  The whole day sort of felt surreal, and it was about to get even more surreal as the hours passed.

At 6:45 ish my doctor showed up again and we did a ‘practice push’ to see what would happen with a really strong contraction and push.  Baby did move down a little bit, so my doctor decided to ‘gown up’ and we would start the process.  The nurses started to really prepare and wow, this was really happening.  They turned on the warmer for the baby, got some sterile areas ready for the placenta, cord, etc.  So insane watching everything come together and realizing that soon enough my child would be in my arms.  So hard to believe.  It still is!  The official pushing started at 7:10 p.m. and was insane.  It is hard work pushing a baby out, wowee!  But, it’s a different kind of hard work.  An amazing kind of work.  An experience, a feeling, that I can’t really describe, and that I can’t really imagine feeling – even though I did.  Even with the epidural, I could still tell when to push, and I was still able to feel my baby coming out of me, which (as painful as it is!) I wanted to feel.  We did several pushes, and Cade (though at that point we did not know baby’s name OR that baby was going to be a boy!) would come move down a bit, but then move back up.  Little stinker!  We continued to push, however, and eventually he started to really move down, and I could feel it.  You know what else I could feel?  Poop!  Yes, I pooped on the delivery table.  The moment it happened, I knew.  Well what the heck, they TELL you to push like you are having a bowel movement, and when you’re pushing and there’s, err, waste there, well, it’s coming out too!  So, as soon as it happened, I said “did I just poop!?”  My doctor said “a little bit… but that’s okay!  Tons of women do!  You can’t help it!”  The nurse reassured me that that meant I was having some really good pushes, so it was a good thing.  Ha!  Too funny.  I kind of thought that would happen, and I didn’t really care at that point.  I moreso thought it was humorous.  Anyway…  it was so very very exciting when my doctor and the nurse told me they could see hair and part of the head.  They asked me if I wanted to touch the head, and of course I did, and wow… how amazing was that.  It gave me even MORE motivation to push even harder so that I could meet my little Kiwi sooner!  And push harder I did – with one strong contraction and one really big push, my little babe came out all at once.  Not gradually, his head, shoulders, WHOLE body came out all in one last push!  SO CRAZY!  They immediately placed him on my chest and I was bawling my face off.  I kept saying “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe he is mine! I can’t believe this! This is the craziest thing ever! You are soooo cute! You are soooo beautiful! I love you! I can’t believe this!”  I was absolutely beside myself and in love with this little being.  I was so glad his lungs worked too – that little boy could CRY!   One other neat thing was that there was a student doctor in the room observing the birth – and it was the first birth she had ever witnessed.  I was so happy that she was able to be there.  She said it was a really great experience for her and that we had ‘set a standard’.  Oh geez!  I’m glad she had a wonderful experience, because we did and I’m so glad that radiated to her.

Precious Cade’s first pictures!

I forgot that I wasn’t done – I still had to push out the placenta, as well as deal with any tearing/stitches that may have needed to be tended to.  The placenta was super easy to push out, and when they asked if I wanted to see it, I of course did.  It was pretty big, and neat looking.  Apparently Cade and I had a long cord, too!  Also, the cord was around Cade’s neck, but only slightly and very loosely, and our doctor just slipped her finger around it and pulled it away.  The stitches were another story… ugh.  I swear that was more uncomfortable and painful than labour and giving birth.  Maybe not, but it was not fun at all.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the end of the world, but it was pretty crappy.  I had a partial third degree tear – which is better than full third degree or fourth.  I didn’t tear the sphincter, but I tore into the perineum and some muscles in there.  I remember commenting to the nurse and my doctor that I was going to be sooo scared for the first post-partum poop!  My doctor’s comment?  “Well it’s a good thing you went tonight!”  HA!  Too awesome.  I sincerely appreciated her humour and the fact that she could joke around with me and vice versa.   Anyway, the stitching took awhile.  I think the doctor did one or two stitches, and then took them out because he wasn’t happy with them.  Crazy crazy.  Apparently he is a perfectionist, but it’s a good thing really – just maybe not in the moment, when I’ve got my legs up in the air and there’s 4 people peering at my special lady parts, deciding how best to ‘fix them up.’

Right after our son was born, we were on the phone calling our parents that couldn’t be there as well as other family members.  My mom was in the delivery room with us and her, Kyle and I were all crying.  It was SUCH an amazing and indescribable experience, and I could not have asked for better support people to have with me throughout the day than Kyle and my mom.  (I love you guys, you are the best, I am so glad we could share that moment together, the birth of your son and grandson) (I have to say – Justin and Carter were there during the day too, but not in the room the whole time.  They were great to have there as well, and provided me with much laughter every time the doctor went to adjust the monitors on my stomach, etc. they would quickly turn away for fear that they might ‘see something’ Haha!).  Kyle’s parents and my dad were both able to hear Cade crying in the background, which was special since they couldn’t be there for the birth.  They got to hear his first cry, at least, and a strong cry it was!  Cade was born at 8:08 p.m. and was not officially named until the next day.  When people asked what his name was, it was “probably Cade”.  He was 7 lbs and 2 ¾ ounces, and about 20 inches long.  And precious as could be.  A full head of blonde/brown hair, too!  The cutest most beautiful little boy ever.  I was so in love, and at the same time, it felt so surreal, so dream-like.  I really could NOT believe that he was our son, that he would grow with us and us with him, that he would be with us forever and that we would nurture and love each other and experience new things together every single day.  I still don’t really believe it.  I feel completely 100 % bonded to Cade.  It just blows my mind that Kyle and I created a beautiful little boy, and that there is this overwhelming and amazing sense of love, security and wonder towards him every single day.  I can’t believe all he has taught me already and it’s only been two weeks (I’ll save that for another day).  I can’t believe all that he has yet to teach me, and us him.  I can’t believe I have a son.

After that was all said and done, I was given some real food (sandwich, yogurt, cheese, juice, soup) and then shown to the shower where I could freshen up.  It felt sooo good to have the water run over me, and even with them encouraging me to pee in the shower, I still couldn’t go.  Ugh – I had a feeling this was going to mean catheter again, and because the epidural was now out, I was not really looking forward to that.  I tried to convince myself that it was okay, that I could pee, but it didn’t work.  Sigh.  After my shower, I got in my ‘chariot’ (wheelchair) and we were shown up to our room on post-partum.  We had requested the Victorian suite, a huge private room with a big double ‘real’ bed, mini fridge, leather recliners, private bathroom, however there were none available – there weren’t even regular private rooms, or semi-private, so we were put in a public room.  There was no one else in there which was nice, and we got started on breast feeding and were shown how to bathe our little man.  Breast feeding for the first time was absolutely surreal.  I couldn’t believe he knew what to do!  This little dude was going to be showing me the ropes, that’s for sure.  Oh, and I had to get yet another in and out catheter because I still couldn’t pee.  At that point I produced 1.4 liters of urine!  INSANE.  About an hour after we got to our room and were settling in to get some sleep, another woman and her baby were brought into the room.  It’s not easy getting sleep after an emotionally exciting and physically exhausting day, but when you have someone in the next room and the lights are on, it’s even harder.  Cade wasn’t happy that night either.  I remember him crying and crying, Kyle and I would take turns getting up to rock him or walk with him.  Nothing really seemed to soothe him, and he wouldn’t latch on to feed.  I remember sitting there with him crying and crying and a nurse coming in, and then me crying and feeling helpless.  We made it through though, and I was able to sneak in a couple hours of sleep.   The next day, I got a call saying that the Victorian suite was available – AWEEEEESOME!  We moved in to that room at about 4:00 p.m. and couldn’t have been happier.  We actually got some well needed rest that night, though not much, it definitely helped.  We had a few visitors that day as well – Kait visited since she was in Saskatoon for an interview, Kirsti Kowal visited as she was working in the hospital that evening, Lauren Bonnett popped by on her way to the movie, and grandma Janice, grandpa Carter and uncle Justin spent a couple hours with us all in our wonderful suite.

Love my boys!  Check out my swollen hand.  Insanity.

We spent two nights in the hospital, and were discharged on Friday November 5 at around 2:00 p.m.  I was an extreme ball of emotions that whole day, well pretty much that whole weekend and following week.  It is incredible how hormones work.  I was walking out of the hospital crying my eyes out.  I felt so emotional that we were leaving the hospital when days before we were walking into the hospital, only at that point we were not yet lucky enough to have our son with us.  I felt extremely emotional walking up to our house.  I couldn’t believe that we were going to be starting this new life together.  I couldn’t think of anybody else that I wanted to spend my life with – Cade, Kyle and Lily.  By the way, Lily was totally enthralled with Cade from the get-go.  At first she was a tiny bit nervous, but as soon as we took him out of his car seat and let her sniff him, she fell in love.  She always has to be beside me on the couch, or if I’m feeding, she will come up on the pillow.  She is in love with him.  Part of her sometimes I think wants to play with him, but overall I sense she is protective of him and recognizes that Kyle and I take care of this little boy, and she must do that too.

Just prior to leaving the hospital.  Cade wore the same little knit sweater and hat that Kyle wore home from the hospital when he was born.

Lily and her baby broseph.  Cute little monkeys!

The first weekend home with Cade was rough – which we later found out was due to jaundice and my milk supply being low.  He wasn’t getting enough to eat, which is why he was crying and crying all night, even after repeatedly breast feeding him.  I called the health nurse on Sunday to request that they come that day as I felt something wasn’t right.  When they weighed him, he had lost nearly 1 lb since his birth weight, about 13 % of his body weight – which was concerning.  They did his biliruben levels and he had jaundice.  Our doctor recommended that we go to the hospital that evening and have Cade get phototherapy to decrease the jaundice, but when we got to the hospital, they decided not to admit us as they felt his levels weren’t high enough and we could continue to feed him regularly and that would hopefully decrease the levels.  The health nurse had suggested, well basically required, that we supplement his breast feeding with formula until my milk came in.  We started that on November 7, and as of today, November 16, we are still doing it.  My stubborn milk supply!  Along with breast milk, the minimal amounts you are getting, you are also getting 60 mL of formula through a supplemental tube that I place alongside my breast as Cade is feeding.  The health nurse came by the next 2 days to check his levels again, and each time they were going down and he was gaining weight, which was a good thing.  My milk still wasn’t coming in, and still hasn’t fully come in, and so as of today, I have started to take a medication, Domperidone, to hopefully increase my milk supply.  I really want breast feeding to work out as it is the best option for Cade.  I’ve really learned that I need to be persistent, patient, and get rest when I can.  We’re working on this and I am confident that one way or another it is going to work out.

I’m sitting here counting down the minutes until it is time for Cade to eat again.  Boy he is a machine – pooping, eating, and peeing.  I’ve already been peed on twice today.  And I’m not talking little piddles, I’m talking power projectile pees!  I guess it’s a sign he’s well hydrated, right?  And there have been numerous diaper changes where he decides that it’s a really great idea to poop while we are in the middle of changing him.  Cute little monkey.  Cade is currently cuddled up, skin-to-skin with daddy, and Lily cuddled beside them.  It is truly a precious sight and I truly feel blessed to have this family.  I may not know any nursery rhymes, and I may be a little tone deaf, but as tired as I am, and as frustrated as I certainly can get (emotions run high when sleep is lacking), I am so in love and I really can’t think of anything to make my life better at this point.  Except maybe a bit more money.  And for my milk supply to increase.

So happy, so in love, so enthralled, so tired :)

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November 17, 2010 at 10:32 am 4 comments

Humble is as humble does.

Tempted to blog about not blogging.  I even have a pile of shitty excuses that I’ll spare you.
There’s a pregnancy pact going on at work.  Not fer REALS fer reals, but just by chance and awesome circumstance I guess.  In our unit of 8 women, 3 of us are currently with child and due November, January and March.  There’s a couple other women who we work closely with who are also pregnant, one woman who recently gave birth to a boy (who I am excitedly going to meet on Thursday!), and a whole other bundle of women throughout the office who either very recently had a little babe, or will be having a little babe very soon.  I am VERY excited for each and every one of us and oh pregnancy is such a wonderful thing thus far.  Beautiful beautiful and I cannot wait to meet all these little monkeys!  Totally makes it fun because we can go on and on about all things pregnancy-related.  When we’re not on paid time, but of course…

I know I’ve beaten it to death, but it’s amazing the stories and experiences you hear both when you are requesting and when you are an innocent bystander.  Let me clarify, I am a lover of sharing experiences and hearing other women’s stories, war wounds, battles, triumphs, you name it.  I am just finding that I am needing to be selective about what I input into my brain, emotional memory, upcoming physical experiences.  I’ve talked to many many people and frequented many pregnancy/parenting Internet forums, and oh boy oh boy.  Some women have gone through hell and back.  And others have had the smoothest ride on the most recently paved road out there.  I don’t know what my experience will be like, I have no idea.  I have ideas of how I want it to go, obviously, I’m sure we all do, whether it’s related to pregnancy, relationships, health, finances, education, career…. you name it.  I’m all for the power of the mind, psychological/emotional influence, and I’m all for tapping into this piece of my being to the greatest extent possible to ensure the most fulfilling birth experience for Kiwi and I.

It’s strange because I often feel like either I have to defend my desires and why they are what they are, or I have to tone them down because they’re not realistic and so what’s the point.  Not my words, not their words, just my internalizing of stuff I’ve surrounded myself with willingly and unwillingly.  I hate feeling like I am disrespecting other people’s experiences by expressing my own perspective on how I view birthing, my values and beliefs around it.  It’s not that at all, and I suppose I shouldn’t feel like I ought to defend myself since the people that know me well know I mean well.  I highly value hearing other women’s experiences, it just seems that a LOT of them are negative.  And so be it, right?  I could have a terrible birthing experience and when I reflect back on it, I could be filled with negativity about how it all went down and I could project that onto people.  I really don’t know.  I like to think that I’m extremely intuitive, conscious, and aware of my feelings, how I create feelings in other people, and how other people feel by my mere presence – but going through an experience that is less than favourable could lessen the intensity of some of this internal schtuff going on, could it not?

I’m all over the map and I’ve written about this a bajillion times but I can’t talk or think about it enough.  I’m reading a book on Hypnobirthing right now to set my mind and body in a positive space (it’s already there, but to reinforce it) and to help me with some visualization/relaxation techniques.  We’ll see how that goes.
Bottom line, really, is no matter how many negative experiences I hear about, and no matter who is talking about them or writing about them, the end result of that experience is the most positive thing ever (some of y’all that wish to remain childless may disagree!) and I sincerely appreciate the acknowledgement of that at the end of it all.

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August 31, 2010 at 10:50 pm Leave a comment


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