Posts tagged ‘humour’

More First World Problemos.

Tired.  Drained.  The season is changing and so my mind is in constant over-drive, needing a shift, wanting a shift, but still being entirely satisfied, not even just content, but happy with my life and the turns it has taken.

These sorts of great feelings though, are obstacles to blogging.  At least blogging late at night.

And those sorts of feelings, are exactly what has inspired this post.

And then I found this on Erin’s pinterest and things just came together nicely, and I thought, you know, this image is all that is really needed:

Very similar to my white whine post from days ago.

What are some things you have thought or said recently, or pretty consistently, that would qualify?  


September 29, 2011 at 10:51 pm 2 comments

My Very Own Personal White Whine.

For starters: WHITE WINE.



White Whine: A Collection of First World Problems

I totally had one of these moments tonight, when hangin’ with a friend and talking about wanting to get an iPhone.

I’m sure I’ve had a lot of white whines.  So sad, isn’t it?

Anyway, this one was absolutely a white whine that stood out.

So iPhone.  I explained that financially speaking, I would be better off to just get an iPod Touch, get a basic cell phone, and that way I have one lump sum expensive of the iPod, rather than upping my cell phone bill by about $20 each month to get a data plan.

But my qualm about that was…

But then I’d have to carry around my cell phone AND my iPod Touch. 

White Whine!

September 20, 2011 at 10:35 pm 1 comment

Loot Bag.

Two completely different things for this lonesome, tiring Thursday night

This?  This is perfect.  And cute.  And romantic.  And hilarious.  I. LOVE. IT.

And this (post linked below), well… let’s just say, I needed this today.  Like, really bad.  I’m a sucker for uplifting posts.  I’m a sucker for posts that make me think, hey, you ARE really a pretty cool parent.   You love your son like no other, even though he might drive you up the wall somedays, the love, luuuurve, is still there, full-force, never fading never ending.  And you’re doing everything right and how it NEEDS to be done for you and your family.  Don’t worry ’bout the naysayers or the others.


September 15, 2011 at 10:23 pm Leave a comment

Search Engine Terms: Post not suitable for children or work!

And apparently my blog isn’t either, what with some of these crazy search terms which directed people to this here blog.  Seriously you guys, what does this say about me?  And my character?  I feel like my dignity is just sinking by the second, so please don’t let this tarnish your image of ME.  I did not type these words ever, I simply am on the receiving end of someone typing them into a search engine, presumably Google (what else do people use these days?), and winding up at  So strange.  So bizarre.  So… disturbing.  But yet… so entertaining, SO SO SO SO.

And so I present to you my dear dear readers, some of you who may have searched something nasty to get here, and some of you who are lovely friends, pretty wicked family, or just random Internet drones, a lovely compiled list of

How To Find My Blog: The Nasty Edition

  • maxi pad on my pussy – This was the newest one!  I’m guessing because of the post yesterday, but still, c’mon now, so funny.  I am wondering what the intentions were here?  I mean, I always wonder what the intentions are, but this one just leaves me baffled… 
  • realnipples [dot] com (searched 3 times!) It may come as a shocker, but I have zero affiliation with this site or any pornographic/sexually-explicit site on the Interweb.  Shocking, I know.
  • going pooping and a boys girl (searched 2 times!) – Looking at the list of Search Engine Terms, I totally realized that I must talk about poop a LOT.  Seriously.  This is not something to be proud of.  Or is it?
  • falling asleep with barbie – Aww.  I’m guessing a parent is concerned about this?  I don’t really think this is a biggie, but what do I know?  The closest I can think to anything I’ve posted that would come up as this in a search engine would be:

  • pictures and photos of nude girls peeing in the showers (whole body showing) – Ok, I don’t even want to go there.  However, I do realize that by re-typing this out, my search results are probably going to get even WORSE.  Aiy. Might have to do a part II.  The worst part about this is, I know people Google weird, nasty stuff, and THIS probably isn’t even the half of it.  Guh. 
  • pictures of nurse holding a syringe – My only guess is that someone is trying to do some Cognitive Behavioural work and get over their fear of needles.  If that’s the case, I commend you for taking your healing on.
  • insane crazy stupid people – Yup, pretty much sums it up.  No no, you’re not stupid, I love y’all.  Are some people stupid?  Yes, yes of course.
  • girl letting dog sex vagina – And there is where they start to get even weirder.  Thankfully, my blog only came up once via these search terms, and unfortunately, I’m willing to be Google has seen it’s fair share of these types of searches.  Different strokes for different folks?  Ugh.
  • grandmothers that are dumb – Hahaha.  This one is just funny.  Mom, I promise, I have not written anything that would lead someone here with those search terms.  For real.  Don’t go combing through everything, because I can guarantee you won’t find anything.  <3 xo.
  • suck my milk tube – I guess everyone can have different nicknames for their special parts, right?  Milk tube, eh.  Hmm.  HMM.  I just… can’t see the sexy in this?  I can’t. 
  • poop stories – Hahahaha.  Again, a funny.  Again, poop.  I ought to evaluate what I’m writing.
  • “granny panties” – Even in quotations.  I get it.  We’re going for comfort over class.  I get it, I do. 
  • ,bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark – This is one of my favourites!  It’s just SO weird, SO weird.  And so funny.  I can’t imagine what they were trying to stumble on? 
  • two separate ones but very similar – leggins poop and leggins child – What?  Did your child poop in their leggings and you’re attempting to figure out the most convenient and practical way to take care of business?  Again, I don’t get it. 

There’s also been a TON of search engine terms that have led people here that are merely people looking for support or information.  A LOT to do with breastfeeding and a fair amount having to do with being induced, which totally leads me to go want to do posts on these.  I mean, I have before, but in a more concise fashion.  I don’t think I’ve talked a lot about induction, and well, we all know birth and all things birth is a bit of a passion of mine (that would be an understatement) so I mean it’s only fitting that I write about it.  I need to get my crap together and go for the gold and just DO. IT.  For now though, enjoy the nasty, and expect a “cute” version of the same.

Goodnight xo.

September 13, 2011 at 10:38 pm 2 comments


As you can tell, my creative juices are just flowing at maximum rate lately.  Except… they’re NOT.  AT ALL.  Someone give me some inspiration.  I have a feeling that once I start the C25K running program, I will feel inspired and challenged, and perhaps I will have some of that to share with my dear readers.  PS:  Does anyone wanna join me on the program?   I downloaded the podcasts from Running Into Shape, and they have all the prompts, etc. for each day and each week.   Let me know if you wanna join and we can perhaps motivate each other.  We all could use a little bit of motivation.

But for now, I’m going to be awesome and talk about poop, because a good chunk of my life revolves around it now, and has, for the past 7 months really.  First there was the awesome mid-birth poop, which I’m blogging about because I find hilarious, and not gross in the least.  I wrote about it before, how I thought it was funny, because as I was pushing my dear baby down into the birth canal and out of me, I knew exactly when I pooped, and made sure to ask my doctor and nurse “Did I just poop!?”  Of course they answered yes.  After I gave birth, I expressed fear at having my first post-partum poo, and I super appreciated my doctor’s response: “Well, see, it’s good you went tonight!”  Now, that, THAT, is compassion.

So there was that, and then we progressed to anxiously awaiting the first meconium poo, which came, and it came full force.  And then it stopped for awhile due to jaundice and my boy being essentially starved ’cause this mama wasn’t producing enough milk.   So we waited, and I have never been so excited for my boy to poop as I was those couple of nerve-wracking days where the dipes were just consistently not dirty.

Cycle back to post-partum bowel movements, read: NOT FUN AND SUPER SCARY PANIC INDUCING FEAR DRIVING MOMENTS.   Sometimes they require the assistance of a little stool softener, and they often require the assistance of truck loads of fiber.  My favourites were prunes, fruit, vegetables, and fiber packed cereals.  So, when those big PPP’s happen, they are cause for celebration.

Fast forward to, once again, the boy’s poops.  They happened every diaper change for a little while, and then went to twice a day, and now they are typically consistently once a day in the morning when he’s eating his breakfast.  Awesome and so routine.  (Plus, makes those poopy cloth diapers even easier to clean – it’s not even that hard in the first place, but anywho – because I just toss a biodegradable flushable liner in the diaper that I know is gonna be a poopy one.  Simple!)  (CADE, I am SO sorry I am blogging to the world about your poops!)  Last week, a friend and I went for a walk with our little ones in tow, of course.  At the end of our walk, we were standing in the parking lot by the wier, getting ready to say our goodbyes, and obviously the topic of baby pooping came up.  At that moment, a professional looking gentleman in a suit walked by, and I looked at my friend, and my friend looked at me.  We knew.  We both had the same look.  This is what it has come to.

(I believe it was that same week where I met a different friend for a walk, and after doing our hello hugs, she pointed out the small bit of leftover dry toothpaste on my face.  This is also what it has come to.)

On a non-human-but-still-poop-related-note, today I was dancing with the boy in the living room, and we happened to notice a woman walking by with her dog.  They stopped in front of our house, on the patch of grass between the sidewalk and the road, and the dog did the potty dance.  I watched for a bit, and couldn’t discern whether dear old pooch was peeing or pooping.  I stared at its backend but still couldn’t distinguish if that was poop I saw, or if the grass was just too long.  I saw the woman anxiously looking around, and that’s when it pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  The dog was shitting and she was most certainly not picking it up.  I started walking towards the door and had planned to yell something out.  Originally it was “PICK UP YOUR DOG’S SHIT!” but then I thought that was too harsh, so I was going to go creeper-mode and instead say “I saw that.”  However, I decided against saying anything, for fear that the dog actually was just taking an innocent pee.  Later, when we went on a walk (with poop bag in tow, might I add), I checked the grass and sure enough, a big ol’ pile of doggy doo.  Not cool, not cool at all.  Aside from pet owners leaving dogs in sauna-like hot vehicles, pet owners not being responsible and picking up their dog’s feces is one of my big… pet peeves. (Sorry, super lame pun not intended there but it just happened.)  On the one occasion that I have walked Lily accidentally without a bag, I found something to pick up her crap.  Granted, she is tiny and her poops are as well, I made do.  Luckily most human beings are disgusting, so there was some kind of litter (I believe it was a cup) that I was able to use to scoop up the shit.

So with that, last night was kind of hellish in terms of getting some decent quality sleep, so I’m shuttin’ it down earlier than usual tonight.  A mama’s gotta rest.

Hope you enjoyed the poop stories.  It’s all I’ve got tonight, and for that I apologize… but not really, ’cause I kinda find it funny.  Nighty night y’all.

June 2, 2011 at 9:06 pm Leave a comment

I Give Gifts.

Tonight, because yours truly is such a thoughtful, kind, caring and sharing mother, partner, lover, friend, what have you, I left Kyle a little surprise present in the shower, to, you know, brighten up his Thursday morning get clean regime.

Courtesy of post-partum hormonal hair loss (and I suppose I should give a little shout out to the post-partum crazies for this little ditty as well):

Creepy?  Pretty much.  Sweet, loving and so very romantic?  That’s for you to decide. (Note: the ! at the end of the statement is actually a line with a heart, instead of a line with a dot. Commence awww!)

Since I had an emotional upset when last week Kyle suggested that I am not losing that much hair, but due to the fact that since I didn’t lose much when I was pregnant it is just that now I am merely going back to how my normal hair loss used to be.  Sleep deprivation + having your heart constantly outside of your body + post-partum hormones = snapfest.  Not entirely a snapfest though but it could have turned into one had I not been composed and maintained self-control.  I just took a deep breath and said, “Dear.  I am upset that you are diminishing the fact that I know my own body and you are trying to tell me how my body works.  Clearly mama knows best.”   Probably wasn’t that polite but you get the jist.
So, you knock the hair loss, you get a surprise, I guess is how it goes.  ‘Cept this is just me being polite.  Not out of vengeance, but rather, sweet loving kindness.

March 1, 2011 at 11:59 am 1 comment

Why Lily is Cooler Than a Lot of People.

So I’m going to do it.  I’m going to fawn and fawn over my pooch-pal Lily like I’ve never fawned over her before.  And all you non-pet-loving humans can back off, because I don’t want to hear it.  This is the post to love!  To love our furry friends.  To love the compassion and awesomeness they toss into our lives.  To love ourselves because they’ve made us better human beings.

Why my Maltese Yorkshire Terrier cross is awesome and probably cooler than a lot of people I’ve known in my life

She loves exercising and never complains about it.  Her exercising doesn’t even have to be super-exciting team oriented type exercise that makes it feel like you’re not exercising at all.  Walk?  Yes please, and I will wag my tail until we go, the whole time we’re gone, and as I cool down when we get back.

Every day is truly a new adventure, a new piece of her life that she is going to explore, even though she’s explored it a bajillion times before.  This bone, omiGOD.  It’s amazing.  I’m going to chew on it really fast and hold on to it with my paws so that I don’t lose it, because it’s not like I haven’t been chewing on it several hours a day, several days a month.

Oh the humour.  She can make us laugh and she can’t even talk to be able to tell dry, inappropriate jokes.  Which also means she isn’t one of those funny individuals who is funny, but uhhh, can go overboard with trying to be the bearer of all things laughable.  I can be anything!  I can do anything!  I can chase my tail around really super fast, but still never catch it!  I can beat-box-style scratch at my bed and then tackle drag the cushion to the opposite end of the house!  Just ’cause I’m bored!  I can pretend I’m 50 lbs when I’m really only 6 lbs, and NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE.

Dignity?  Not even a word.  Even if dogs had a real and not just human-infused vocabulary, she wouldn’t give a bother.  The thing is, she earns her respect and status in other ways.  Like walking good on a leash, obeying her leaders, and flipping over for submissive belly rubs.  But dignity?  I’m going to march right up to this other furry … whatever it is, stick my moist, little, black nose into its butt and sniff away.  Oh, it’s starting to pee?  Better get in there.  And then when it’s done, it can come stick it’s nose in MY bum and I’ll even lift my leg up.  No, not to pee.  So it can get a better sniff.  Oh and I want to PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!  And maybe be a tease?  Perhaps…  we’ll see what’s in the cards for this play sesh’.

PS: My verbal musings on Lily the bully are simply out of love and sarcasm.  I love my bully cowardly dog, who is not a bully cowardly dog at all.  <3 xo!

Smart.  Genius.  Intelligent.  Brilliant.  Bright.  There have been many a time where I have thought to myself, alright, this dog knows more than I do and is WAY more on the ball than I am.  There is no wonder she stares at the ground the whole time I am chopping up her favourite vegetables, or eating her favourite (so she assumes) meal.  Because you’re so damn SLOW and NOT paying attention, even though you try to trick me into thinking you are watching me like a hawk, I saw that piece of carrot fall off the table, along with the cheese, the celery, and the chicken.  And you best believe I am going to dive in and snatch it up.  And sometimes I can even do it without making my collar necklaces jingle!  Ohhh snap.

For some reason, she never engages in any of the little things that pester me and drive me crazy, particularly if I am tired, pre-menstrual, or in my sensitive and randomly hormonal pregnancy state.  How does this work?  She is a miracle worker, a miracle I says!  And even if she does do annoying things, the mild feeling of irritability that is instilled within me lasts for all of two minutes and then I look at her squishy face (and that damn little moist nose!) and all is well in the world, rainbows are sprouting up all over, and little babies are coo’ing and goo’ing at their parentals.  Uuummm…. so, I realize you just got home and DITCHED ME ALL DAY… but still took me for a walk.  However… I was just wondering if we could go downstairs and you could pretend to chase me, and then throw my ball, and then pretend to chase me, and then throw my ball, and then I will chase you, oh! bark time, bark bark bark, CHASE ME, no no, throw my ball.  Okay, ready for my belly snugglies.


July 21, 2010 at 11:14 pm 4 comments

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