Posts tagged ‘motherhood’

Photo a Day May: Your personality – 31.

I mixed up yesterday’s and today’s challenge but alas, here we are. Today’s challenge is your personality. So, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I whipped up a little photo grid and pulled together some photos from the last couple of months that accurately depict a large part of who I am. The rest, you can make your own conclusions for all I care. ;)

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Lover. I try to just love. Feel it. Give it. Spread it. Share it. Its hard sometimes but we all could use a bit more of it. That and hugs!
Mother. Self explanatory… ish. This one has huge amazing…. implications? Right word? I am a mom. i am mom. Mom I am. Is it all I am? No. Is it a ginormous part of who I am? Absofrigginlutely. Aaand I love it.  I really ought to expand on what that means for me, ’cause its kind of a big deal. Quite the journey.
Friend. Love em. Miss em. Need em. Cherish em.
Pet owner and lover. Well again. Speaks for itself. We love our dog, and the love between Cade and Lily makes me melt every single day. This pooch has taught us a whole heck of a lot.
Mentor. Leader.Student. Teacher. These all sort of group together for me. I want my life to constantly intellectually challenge me. I want to always be learning about myself, the world, people around me, my family, my partner. Sometimes I want to turn the brain off, yes, and sometimes I do. But generally…
Foodie – in the sense that I just love it. Everything about it. I love trying new things and experimenting.
Advocate. For human rights, ethics, birth rights, children, self-love, women’s health. Gosh I just opened up a can of worms.
We’ll just close it for now…
With regards to health though – this is huge. Personality or not, its related to the food thing and the desire and need to be healthy and treat our bodies kindly by fuelling them with health in so many different forms.
Arts and crafts. I love creativity and I think its a huge passageway into a very special part of our soul. We need to feed and nurture it in whatever way works for us.  Its different for you and I. It is also connected to spirituality and the idea of being grounded and centred. These are huge aspects of me and something I strive towards daily. Whether its a personality thing or not is debatable. To me it feels more internalized than that. But it works and I can run with it.

What would your personality look like in a photo grid?

May 31, 2012 at 11:43 pm Leave a comment

Photo a Day May: Love – 15.

Today felt long and I am feeling spent and burnt.  Unfortunately capturing a photo of love may not have been at the forefront of my memory today. Fortunately it was the love of a little boy that helped guide me through the trickier moments.  It comes with the territory of being a parent, I think.  How can I be sad when my boy is looking at me with such concern, such empathy, and such… love?  Those eyes. Those words. Oh he was saying the most beautiful things and I could not help but to cradle him close.  Wowwee is he ever empathetic and caring. I mean, I knew that already, but you know.

So love.

It means so much and I am far too tired and in need of chill that I cannot expand the way I want to.  Do we all need a bit more of it in our lives? Um heck yeah.  It surely would not do any harm. But then why do we resist it, I will never know.

In case I need to further explain the photos, love to me is the cornerstone of exploration, trust and community.  Can I really stand on this toy case, and trust myself to do it? Why yes I can. I am safe and I have got this.  Love and let go, love and let go.  But its not what it sounds.  By letting go we love harder and deeper.  Oh so deeper.

And can I just say one thing? In regards to love? My son has helped me reach for it, seek it out, and express it more.  He has helped me to love and to know what that means.  Gosh.  What a gift.  He has taught me the importance of supports and community.  In parenting. In loving. In life, in anything really. We need each other and we need ourselves. And oh gee how I am so grateful to have a great lot of you.
It takes a darn village.

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May 15, 2012 at 10:49 pm Leave a comment

Photo a Day May: Something you do everyday – 9.

Love.
I love everyday.  Sometimes not enough, but never too much.
And seriously? I cannot think of a better way to capture love than with this photo. 
At one point, Lily was close to him and that too would have been a great depiction of love. A capture of my boy un his jammies playing by the river though… perfect.
Just look at that face. Expression. Heart.
That ain’t nothing but love.  Believe me when I say, this boy loves hard.

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May 9, 2012 at 10:28 pm Leave a comment

Photo a Day May: A smell you adore – 8.

I almost put up a photo of my morning coffee, or the fresh blackberries I had for lunch, and even considered another photo of the boy (because we all know and love that baby smell, delicious), but when it all came down to it, I had to go with the very… thing that breathes the life, delicious, heaven scent smell into all of these – the one and only, air.  And of course, it has to be fresh.  Today was a day I have been waiting for, the day where I could sprawl out on the grass, my boy in my lap, and just breathe it in, take it all, one inhale at a time.  Yum.  And then, 5 o’clock daily freakout started, and that wonderful, calming, soulful thing called breathing it in became even more critical. Breathe. Fresh. Air. A constant reminder, to loosen up, to ease the anxiety, to chill.  And I will say this, toddlerhood is intense. I feel like it is a parenting secret that no one let me in on.  Maybe its a blocked memory? But oh.  Oh no. No no no. It is intense in the very best way.  These little souls are doing and learning and seeing so much. That is crazy, a wild ride, incredible.  Aaaand  then there is the other extreme.  Intense as well, and a little more… taxing? Taxing. I am trying to organize my life in my brain before I write, but right now all I can think of is the intense nature of it all.  And does anyone else think being a work-out-of-the-home mom is crazy nutty? Who thought of this anyway? Sigh. Breathe. Fresh. Air.

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May 8, 2012 at 8:03 pm Leave a comment

Photo a Day May: Someone who inspires you – 7.

Gosh, really? Where do I begin? This sweet little being, the soul full of beauty and love has taken me on the wildest journey that I have ever been.  Who ever thought?  One little boy can hold so very much of the word in his tiny hands.  He can take that world, shake it all around, turn it upside down and all around, and we still have smiles on our faces, crumbs and stains on our clothes, and so very much love to give.  He has inspired me, on a very surface and simple level, to love, to heal, to give, to receive, to battle – in the most gentle but assertive and meaningful sense of the word, and to learn how to find patience.  Sometimes its a struggle.  But it always feels instinctual. Its just the journey, how I get there, thats maybe not.  Thats all a part of the fun, however.  Cadester, you make my world go round.  You teach me.  You glow in this certain way that I have never ever before witnessed. Keep on shinin’ baby boy, mama loves you.

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May 7, 2012 at 10:18 pm 2 comments

Heal the soul, Feed the heart.

I am so sick and tired about blogging how I never blog.  I am sick of starting posts with “I’m back” or “so I took an unintentional break.”  It’s all the same junk, all the time.  I take breaks, they are unintentional.  I have mini-meltdowns, I forget about my blog, I get up on the uppity and sail through my life without so much as a thought about my main writing outlet.  How dare I ignore myself, because this blog really is just an extension of that?  I prevent myself from writing about anything substantial, aside from the fact that when I am gone that is substantial but most definitely not the most substantial moment that has occurred since the last time I wrote.  SIGH DOUBLE SIGH.

I am not sure if I have made a promise before, to myself and to my blog.  Probably?  Kinda feel like I’ve been there done that with every sort of “I VOW TO BLOG ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME” deal, but please don’t judge as I am about to make it again.

Aside from my mini-explanation two days ago, I haven’t blogged in nearly three months.  That is an eternity.  Imagine something you thoroughly enjoy, now axe it out of your life for three months and imagine the sorrow.  My heart is filled with it, and then part of my heart gets mad because I am the only one that can change that and I haven’t done that.

I feel like I am at a very transitional point in my life, and in all honesty, I think I always will be.  As human beings, I think we always are, because we always are growing and changing, even if we feel we are pretty stagnant.   The last five months have been an incredible adjustment, and they totally still are, and I am still adapting.  I think C is too, though seriously, I feel like he is just going with the flow and is mostly loving it.  The boy loves daycare.  He loves his friends.  He loves his daycare provider.  That really just tickles me pink, it truly does.  Mainly, I am happy he is happy.   Daycare is not a choice for us but a necessity, at this point in our lives anyway.  If we had a choice, we wouldn’t be utilizing it, or at least not on a full-time basis, I already know this much is true.  I am pretty certain I would be much happier, more fulfilled and satisfied, if I was a mama who did not work out of the home or at least not on a full-time basis.  It feels awful to write such a sentiment, but it is what I believe.  The tricky part of this is, because it is not really an option right now, is navigating it so I still feel thoroughly fulfilled, and that I am providing my family and myself with the very best me possible.  That part, I haven’t yet figured out.  What I do know, is my boy is growing way fast, and I know that part of what I need to do is to let go of my hangups around what I can’t have, and focus on trying to enjoy what I do have.  It’s the quality now, not the quantity.  Wise words from some wise women.

Back in January (!!!) I talked about the growth I have been encountering, the changes I have been making, and while they are mostly the same, there’s even more to add to it, and that warms my heart deeply.  I’m still on my handmade gift only path, and we’re heading into the middle of April.  It’s so fun, so satisfying, and it really nurtures and helps to fulfill my creative soul.  I have sewn turtles and flax magic bags, made no-sew fleece blankets, made miniature taggy blankets, along with various other goodies.  I am learning skills left right and centre and I absolutely love it.  I’ve got to gather up some more tricks for my bag of crafts, because I’m needing a dose of fresh crafty ideas in my life, but for now this is good.

Another huge development in my life is that I registered for the Doula Training course that is offered here.  I am beyond thrilled for this new step in my life and I have this feeling, I just know, that this is going to be a good thing.  I questioned myself slightly before I registered, mainly because I had to drop a bit of cash in order to take the course, but I know deep, deep down that I am meant to do this.  It is my passion through and through, for various reasons.  I thought I’d get the birth high, then it would dwindle, but oh no, ohhh noo it’s still there, stronger than ever.  I am not obsessed, I am passionate.  The gig starts April 26, and is ten weeks long, one night a week.  I imagine I will branch out in the blog-world to have a doula biz site up, but that’s for another day.

As of Saturday morning, I have temporarily deactivated my Facebook account.  It was a decision that I had to do.  The clincher for me, was the struggle I actually had with clicking ‘Deactivate.’  I couldn’t do it, well I mean – I obviously did, but I hummed and ha’ed for quite some time, days, before I went ahead and did it.  That experience alone reinforced to me that I was far too addicted to it.  It had taken a hold of my life, and gripped it with all of its psychotic Facebook intensity.  SO not cool.  The whole smart phone phenomenon made it even worse.  Honestly?  Do I need to check my Facebook ALL the time? Just ‘to check’?  Highly unlikely.  But even more than that, was the psychopathic tendencies of Facebook, that is, if Facebook was a person.  Stalkerish, right?  Creepy.  And I was a part of the game.  I couldn’t let go of certain Friends on my Friends list, because the fun would end.  And by fun I mean, the ability for me to poke my head in on their virtual life at any given time.  I get that we are in the 21st century and social networking is the way of the future, but when does it become social psychopathic tendencies and not social networking anymore?  Hmm.  The privacy settings are shady at best, and I just needed a break..  It is not okay when I feel my blood pressure rise, my cheeks become rosy, at the sight of some ridiculous, attention-seeking status update by someone I really don’t even care about. That is not okay.  Sure, there are plenty of things I like about Facebook.  I like the support that some of the communities provide, the ability to see photographs of family and friends in faraway lands, but for now, for me, there are other ways to have these needs met.  And quite honestly, I’d like to spend a little bit more time talking to the people I care about instead of creeping on some jerk-face who I really don’t.

I am no longer seeing the counsellor I mentioned in my second last post.  Not because of anything more than we  really weren’t getting anywhere that significant.  It was alright, and she helped to somewhat shed light on a few issues I was struggling with, but it was not entirely what I needed.  In hindsight, I am not even sure know what I need.  We’re at that point, and I know it’s not a great point to be at, but it’s a starting point, and I know I am here, so I’ll roll with it.  And it’s nothing against psychologists, but that is not exactly what I am needing right now, I don’t believe.  So tomorrow the journey continues, and I will meet with a homeopathic doctor/social worker/counsellor in one.  She comes HIGHLY recommended and so I am quite anxious to have this experience.  I’ve got a couple of things I want to address, and I am also anticipating that she will guide the session and we will do some exploring.

As for my running shoes, they haven’t been laced up in way too long.  March came and went, and that is the hardest month of every year for me.  The winters are too long, and the spring lingers.  I love the first days of spring, but then let’s get this show on the road.  I am tired of cold mornings, and my cold appendages itch for warm skin.  The plan is to get out there and get running, again, because last summer when I learned that running was a total outlet for me, was one of the best summers ever, and I need that injection of wholeness, of light, and of endorphins, in my life, on a constant basis.  The issue right now is that I am feeling really unable to battle the brisk mornings, and so I’m anxiously awaiting the warm ones.  In time?

And without turning to ‘external’ sources of healing, I am mostly feeling very blessed, very privileged, to have this here family that I do.  My son provides me with an insane amount of beauty, life, and love, and I don’t even know how to say it properly.  He basically just blows my mind, over, and over, and over again.  Every little word he says, every thing he does.  He is the most beautiful soul, the most beautiful creature, the most beautiful beauty.  Yeesh.  so.much.love.  And thee baby-daddy, well aye, I get hung up on things, on complains, on this and that, but gosh darn, I am lucky.  Who ever thought I would be living in my small-but-its-cozy house, with a 17 month old, a 3 year old poochy, and a partner?  I am not sure I ever did, but oh boy, am I sure glad I do.

Happy Monday, friends, dream sweetly & sleep tightly.

April 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm 6 comments

I’m back, I’m back, I’m back.

Soooooo, I’ve sort of been MIA.  I wish I could say I was soul searching and hugging my babies 24/7, but unfortunately it’s just because I have been downright tired and downright busy.  I am having a bit of a, err, time… if you will, with this back to work transition.  It’s taking its toll on me, and while I am happy to say that we are in a pretty good routine, it’s because we have to go.  Plain and simple.  If we weren’t, we would all be unravelling and it just would not be pretty.  So, routine it is and routine it has to be.  The bonus is that my boy is doing swimmingly well at daycare.  He’s a rockstar, he really is.  He makes me proud and me makes my heart beam EVERY SINGLE DAY.  What a little monkey.  Who ever thought humans could love other humans that much?  I mean, c’mon now, we all know that humans, most of the time, are kind of… ridiculous?  Annoying?  Idiotic?  Crappy?  You pick your choice word.  But nope.  Not this human, and not this love.  This is inTENSE.

Do you even know how many times I have said “I should blog about this” in the past month?  Too many, actually.  I’m sort of a dork like that.  I have been called dork, geek, nerd, what have you.  Out loud.  By more than one person.  So I just go with it, because really, that is what I am and I am alright with that.  In my books, when you call me that, you are calling me awesome, so thank you!

(By the way, this post is bound to be a bit of a wild card.  Roll with it.)

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So in the last month that I was away, while I said that I am not doing any soul searching, that is not entirely true.  I am always soul searching, and while I have a lot less time for that now (so it seems), it is all that much more important for me to do a lot of soul searching.   You see… I had a rebirth when the boy entered our lives.  Obviously I guess, right?  I think it is sort of an unspoken right but maybe not.  Anyway, I had a major one.  Huge.  Life changing, perspective shifting, all that awesome stuff.  I sort of kind of felt like I was hitting the tip of the iceberg on that journey and then blammo, thrown back into my place of employment.  It was hard.  It still is, and it might always will be.  No jonesin’ here. SO, in terms of that, because I am not living my life in a sort of free for all sense anymore, I need to be looking inward in order to look outward.  That really truly is another post for another day, but in my soul searching I have done numerous things.  Regarding self-care, it has always been really important for me to take care of every single aspect of me.  Physical, creative/spiritual, social, emotional, mental… what have you.  So as you can see above, I have learned to knit.  Oh yes I have, and what you are seeing above is my first completed project, a super spunky rainbow dishcloth to bring some much needed light to the dismal task of scrubbing crumbed up, filthy dishes.   I am also working on a scarf for myself.  In fact, I made quite a bit of progress, and then tore it all off because it was way too wide and I was not happy with it.  So back at square one we are.

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Also in terms of the creative spiritual stuff, I whipped up a bath of a post-partum herbal bath (first photo) for some dear friends who are bringing life to Earth within the next couple of days to the next couple of months.  I borrowed the recipe from this post about ‘Mother Roasting’ and it smells absolutely glorious.  I am going to package it up all prettily and give with grace.  Alongside that, I also made Mother’s Milk Tea, using a recipe from the Passionate Homemaking blog.   The benefits of the herbs in the tea are listed on the site.  I haven’t tasted it yet but I figure I probably should before I’m gifting it to others.

These projects are the beginning of one of my goals, or should I just say intentions, of 2012, which is to give homemade gifts… only.  It sounds doable but it also does sound very laborious.  It is fulfilling for me to give gifts in the first place, but it does a little something special for my heart and for my soul to give a gift that I created, so let’s hope this bandwagon keeps on chuggin’.

In terms of physical care, I have been really focusing and working on going to the gym in the mornings before work.  It does mean that I have to get up at around 5:15am to be there for 5:30, but it feels oh so very good once I am there, and even better once I am leaving there, sweaty brow and all.  6:30am and my workout is done for the day?  Day-um.  It’s hard, it really is, but not as hard as I thought it would be.  I am pretty sure I got some indirect messages that I wouldn’t be able to do it, so a slight part of the awesomeness is pride and being able to say, oh shit yeah I’m doing it.  Keeping active has always been really important to me, and so I could not jeopardize that aspect upon going back to work.  And there is no way that once I get home, bundled up, cozied up with my fam-jam, that I would be heading out to the gym to get some sweating in.  Nope.  Not happening.

Also somewhat in line with the spiritual piece, but moreso with the mental/emotional piece, is that I have sought out some counselling for myself.  Finally.  I have met with her three times so far, and it’s been alright.  She has helped me to gain some perspective on certain aspects of my life and relationships with people, and my different roles that I have taken on.  What really prompted this was going back to work and how difficult it really was and is.  I knew that I had to do something else to take care of myself, and so I reached out in this regard.  I am not sure how long I will see her or where it will go, but I only know that it is a start.  I yearn for a connection, and the age old ‘when the student is ready the teacher will come’ I guess kind of stands, and does relate.  It feels really good to lay it all out there, because I have spent the majority of my life being the one that people dump their stuff onto.  And that’s okay!  But it’s really hard not to get caught up in that.  And it’s even harder to sort of forget about yourself in that process.  Losing myself is not where I want to be.

Socially, I think sort of speaks for itself.  In this little rebirth thingy I’ve got going on, I have come to recognize the people that I genuinely need to have close by, within reach.  I need my solid supports like anybody else, but I have never felt such a strong pull towards people that I consider close to me.  You really get to know people on a different level at certain times of your life, and I truly feel blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  I think they’re all there for some reason or another, whether it’s cosmic or whether it is simply a good ol’ friendly relationship with somebody that means the world to me.  But there are people that we cross paths with in school, or in jobs, or wherever.  A lot of them come and go, but there’s those special ones.  Those special ones, who years later, are there more than they have ever been.  Those special ones shine.  Those special ones really make me wonder how after only working together sporadically for a couple months, eight years later, she’s still there.   Hold them close, people.  They’re few and far between.

Also related to pretty much every aspect of myself (and I’ve likely blogged about this too many times) is the fact that I want to and need to continue doing this regularly.  I feel good when I write.  I feel good when I share with others and engage in dialogue, and so I need to, need to, need to keep this up.  It is an outlet for me, and while I do feel censored (I hate that I do, but bottomline, I don’t tell everyone everything, and while there are things I would love to write about and have some of you read, honestly, I am not so sure how I feel about all of the world reading it.  No harsh feelings, just how it is) I do feel excited by the idea of sharing things and connecting.

So with that, I am going to more efficiently glue myself to this here couch, and zone out for a couple hours before bed.  Netflix, anyone?

January 11, 2012 at 7:18 pm 7 comments

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