Posts tagged ‘reflections’

Goodbye Facebook, Hello World.

Just a quickie update – Facebook and I are going to break up for a little bit.  Not sure how long, and I will expand on my justification (not that I need to) at a later time, but this is what I need to do. The main thing thats irking me right now is that I am having a hard time clicking deactivate, which REALLY bugs me.

I have apparently no time for this blog anymore but all the time in the world for Facebook. Not cool. For so many so many so many reasons.

This blog generally makes me feel warm and fuzzy and good, and I need some creative soul searching and not soul sucking in my life. 

So my hope for now is that you will see more of me here and less of me there. 

In the words of my precious, “Ba!”

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April 7, 2012 at 11:50 am 2 comments

The First Year.

 

It’s not even that I have been procrastinating, I just haven’t really had time.  The start of the first year, our lives changed dramatically, and the same goes for the start of the second year.  What a whirlwind.  I got to a point tonight where I started to feel severely overwhelmed.  I can keep my shit together, for the most part.  We’re nearing the end of back to work week 3, and it is sort of sinking in that, yup, this is how it will be for the next little while.  It is hard and draining and emotionally overwhelming.  Being AT work itself is not horrible.  My office has a window and that helps exponentially.  I think about my my boy, my love, and my pooch constantly, but the work itself?  Fine.  I am not knee deep in it yet though.  Maybe ask me in a month?

The after work part is the hardest.  At about 3pm I start to feel completely tapped out and drained.  So by the time we pick up the boy from daycare (which is going swimmingly!) and then get home, unload, put away stuff from the day, I am spent.  And that’s before supper.  I’m trying to go to bed at a decent hour, and I have to, because as of 3 days ago I made a decision to start waking up at 5am so I can be at the gym for 5:30.   But I’m still absolutely drained of energy by the end of the day.  The thought of cleaning, the thought of doing dishes, the thought of any extra responsibility tires me.  I know it will take getting used to and I am really trying to be positive.  It’s just hard.  The year I had with my boy is the year I got used to, and now it has changed again.  The post-partum adjustment period was crazy.  I remember March being a rough month.  In hindsight, it was pretty bad.   I was in a bad place and didn’t bother to seek out support aside from my immediate peeps.  Not good.  So my point, is that it took me awhile.  I thought I was awesome with change but apparently it takes me a little bit.  The only thing I can think to do, is to remind myself that this is okay.  It’s okay if I need time.

The issue I am struggling with the most is that the bulk of my energy is going to work.  I don’t think this is a bad thing, obviously.  I like my work, I enjoy what I do, and I’m passionate about it.  I put in my all when I am at work, but I have made a promise to myself that I am not carrying it home with me.  I cannot do that.  It would not be fair to me, but mostly, it would not be fair to my family.  I already am struggling with the fact that at the end of the day, when I’m spent, my fuse is shortened, my patience thinner.  I am not being the best mother that I can be.   I am not being the best partner I can be.  I am probably not being the best friend I can be either.  I know what my potential is (sorta – sometimes my modesty gets in the way) and it saddens me that I am not living up to it.  I don’t think my standards are high, it is simply a matter of routine, and getting into it.  Figuring out how to jive with this new life thing.

So technically that is part of the second year and since this is supposed to be a reflection… onward!

My first year of motherhood, eh?  I don’t even really feel like I can completely capture it appropriately with words, but I’m going to give it a shot.

For starters, the moment I birthed my boy, my life was forever transformed.  And at that point, I didn’t even realize how much that statement was going to be truer than true.  From the getgo, I fell immediately in love with this most precious little being.  (We officially 100% completely bonded on all applicable levels, not immediately, not even the next day, but I remember the moment I thought oh THIS is bonding, I thought that I was bonded before but no, THIS is it.  Before?  That was survival).  My body, our bodies, created life.  This simple fact blows my mind to this very day.  It’s not even unnatural, obviously, it’s happening by the second, worldwide.  But it’s beautiful and unreal.  It is captivating.

We began to embark on a journey of sorts.  It started out rocky.  We still hit rocky patches.  But mostly, it’s smooth.  And journeys are sort of boring when they become too consistent, right?   I am grateful and overjoyed that my boy keeps me on my toes, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.  I am not even exaggerating.  He is a busy, busy little soul, and an explorer at heart.  I am so excited to watch where his soul, his explorer capabilities take him.   Every day he makes me smile, every day he makes me laugh.  What gets me through every single work day, is knowing that at the end of it, I get to run up to the door (sometimes if I’m nice I let Kyle go), open the door handle, and see the most beautiful little face, waiting for me, reaching for me.  It warms my heart.  Honestly, sometimes so much I fear the risk of overheating.

It blows my mind the amount of stuff children learn and do in the first year of their life.  That is IN-TENSE.  Smile. Laugh. Roll over. Hold things. Sit up. Crawl. Stand up. Walk (sometimes).  Play.  Learn.  Talk.  Eat.  Drink.  Develop the strongest relationship with his pup.  ;)  The other day I was asking my little angel to give his mama a kiss, and he, without breaking his look away from the passerbys in the grocery store of course, opened up his mouth, leaned in to me, and planted the sloppiest wettest most awesome kiss ever.   It fascinates me (but not really, because I already know that children are obviously so smart, they are human friggin’ beings!) that he knows how to do this, and just picked up on it like so.   And that is only one example.  Kid blows my mind.

And as for my own personal journey from being a woman, to being a woman with a child, a mother, this little boy has changed me in ways that even I will not be able to pinpoint.  All I know is, I feel in some ways like a completely different woman, but in some (a lot) of ways, exactly the same.  There are things I get now, that I had no concept of before, mostly because I didn’t feel the need to have a concept of.  There are things I am passionate about now that were over my head before.  My ability to be assertive has increased tenfold, and along with that, I have softened up by even more.  Everything is touching, everything is special and sentimental.  A friend said to me, it’s because we have given birth, and so we feel like we have given birth to everything, and I couldn’t have said it better.  I feel like I am on a path that I was not on before.  I have hopes and dreams and passions that I want to fulfill.  The concept of health means more to me than it ever did.  I really feel like I have never worked this hard to be healthy in my life, aside maybe from when I was pregnant, because I truly felt at my healthiest then.  It is one thing to put healthy, wholesome things in our body, and to regulate how we manage our muscles and our bones.  But this here mind, this here heart, this shit needs to be in tip-top shape.  I have recognized ways in which I am not being the best person I can be.  It’s not even that I have some ridiculously high standards for myself, because I really don’t think I do.  In fact, I think that I am living my life in an even simpler way than before, if that is even possible.

I have never had as little money as I do right now, but I have never felt this happy.  Or this excited about what tomorrow, or next week, or next year, might bring.  I have never felt so connected to a little being before.  I still cannot believe I am a mother and I have a son.  I have never felt this intimate with my spouse.  There’s this super intense level of intimacy, bonding, and energy field that has developed – or maybe not so much developed as expanded – between the two of us, and how we interact with one another, and with other important people in our lives.  I have never had as many ridiculous 3am sleep-deprived arguments in my life, but I have never had as much positive growth and soul-searching either.  My life, our lives, have changed exponentially.  I can’t put it into words but as you can see – if you’ve made it this far – I have tried.  I might have different ways of doing things, or varying ideas and beliefs than before (or perhaps they are simply just interpreted as so or are just being voiced now by the new assertive me ;).  But different does not have to mean bad or negative.  I am not scared of change or growth, and I don’t want you to be either.  Look where it’s got us so far?

November 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm 3 comments

C25K: Week 4 Day 2

So, pretty much halfway done the program, and guess what?  Last night’s run was probably my worst one yet.  Sigh.  I was feeling pretty down in the dumps about it ,but I really need to just get back on track, realize that hard days are bound to happen, and keep on trucking, which is exactly what I will do.

I think day 2 was so hard this week because a) I did it at 9:30 at night and I am not an evening exerciser b) I had 2 Mojitos earlier that evening and/or c) I also split some samosas with a friend prior to.  All of these things had me feeling bogged down and not as energetic as I know I am capable.  Part of the reason I NEED to absolutely blog about this program, and especially this week, is to continue to tell myself that it is okay, that I need to keep pressing on, and most of all, that I did it, regardless of HOW hard it was, I completed the run and I didn’t stop once.  Well, except for when Lily decided to crap all over the sidewalk, but that was during a walk, so it’s all good.  I was crawling along the sidewalk, nearly falling flat on my face, but I didn’t stop.  I talked out loud, once again, and told myself to GOGOGOGO, DON’T STOP, GOGOGOGO!

I have to really work on doing these runs in the morning, or else it’s just a write-off.  I mean, it’s not, because I’m still doing them, but my energy levels and my capability to complete the run are not living up to my own personal standards of how I know I can run just a tiny bit faster, breathe a little bit better, and run a little more proper.  All of those things take up SO much of my mindspace, it really is therapeutic and fills my head with awesome thoughts of figuring out what my body is doing, and what it SHOULD be doing.

Again, my distance was not 5km.  I mapped it out and it was the same as last time, 3.86km, even though I did a totally different route.  Keep in mind, 3.86km over probably about 34 minutes.  I cannot feel down about the fact that at this rate, it’s going to take me nearly an hour to complete a 5k.  That’s not what this is about for me.  Yes it’s called the ‘Couch to 5K’ program, but it’s more than that.  It ain’t just about the 5k, eventually, that will be my goal, but maybe I will start smaller than that.  I saw a race in the fall for a 2km and I am considering it.  THAT I know I could do, and a 5k?  Yes, that too, but just not right now.  I could do it if I walked and ran, but that’s where I’m at right now.

Kyle and I made myself a super-sweet headband for running.  It’s made out of a shirt that we shrunk in the dryer (accidentally) so brilliant me decided to cut off a textured neckline of the shirt and Kyle helped me sew it into a headband.  I should say, Kyle DID sew it in a headband, because I sure as hell did not do any sewing.  It makes me feel somewhat like an athlete, which helps to boost the ol’ ego.  Plus, it keeps my hair off my face and minimizes annoyances.  Success.

So, day 3, you’re on, and I am going to KILL YOU.  Thursday morning, 7:00am, day 3 and I have a date.  A very hot date, a date in which I am going to dominate and take on with all I’ve got.  Will report back.

How’s it going fellow C25K’ers?  I know you’re reading… ;)

June 29, 2011 at 2:07 pm 2 comments

SNOOPY SUNDAY.

RULES:

1) Every Sunday, I will post an answer to a question from a reader.   You can ask me questions on Facebook or by commenting on my blog.  The question I choose will be random – I will put the questions in a hat and pick one out; that will be the question I answer.

2) Once I answer a question, I will visit your blog or your Facebook and ask you a question in return.  I will also link to your blog when I write the answer to the question you asked.

3) I don’t know if this is exactly a rule, but I will encourage my regular readers who have blogs to also participate on Snoopy Sundays.  Let’s make this fun, shall we.

4) Questions can be relating to anything, although try to keep it somewhat appropriate.  I cannot police how you interpret appropriate, so be nice.

Chandra was nice enough to shoot out something like 4 questions for me so I got the pick of the litter, and this time I chose: Do you think after the experiences you have had, are you more inclined to have more children or less?

Honestly, I guess I picked this one ’cause I thought it was an easy question.  Call me a copout.  I slept on a camping trailer-style table-bed last night, and my hips still get achy from giving birth, so my sleep was a little on the not so great side, forgive me please and let me just have my moment.

The short, super simple answer is, my experiences have not really changed my mind about how many children I want.  Not really.  For the first 3 months post-giving-birth, I was totally on the fence because I was down in the dumps about my experience in terms of my perineal tear and not so fun healing process, breastfeeding struggles, and the cryfests of 2011 that turned into late-night (think 4am) parties that only technically involved 1 of us as the 2 adults and 1 dog were basically were walking zombies, sleep-deprivation induced mania, if you will.   But guess what?  Things are looking up.  My hormones were all over the map and so I was upset and sad about every and anything.  I know that it’s not the worst thing that could have happened.  I know that.  I am fortunate.  Things could have been more hectic, things could always be worse.  Always.  But, it’s all relative and I must give acknowledgment to my experiences and how they have shaped us.

So with that being said, I could not believe that I would be going through that whole journey again.  Give birth again to another child?  Yeah right.  As beautiful, amazing, empowering and wonderful as it was, the after-part was the sucky part, and it scared me to think that we would trudge through those murky waters ever again.  However, look at us, we made it, and I’d say we passed with flying colours.  But then again, I’d say every parent does because parents are wonderful beings and can take on the world.  Especially some parents, whom I am so blessed to say, I know some of those people.  And they are fricken’ amazing.  They take on challenges like nobody’s business.  They possess the kind of strength those silly UFC fighters would be jealous of.   Anyway…

So yup, we made it through the 4th trimester. The 4th trimester is one thing a lot of people fail to talk about.  Seriously, I think instead of trying to fear-monger every pregnant woman with war-like stories of birth, let’s talk a little bit about the stuff people seem to ignore, like the 4th trimester, realistic breastfeeding tips, how to heal yourself physically and mentally, sex after childbirth (which may or may not happen in the 4th trimester, depends on how brave you are, really), what to do when you seriously feel like you just might lose your mind and never ever EVER find it again, and maybe a good tip for partners: how to deal with your baby when your baby is screaming at 3am and mamabear is screaming louder than the baby.  NOW we’re talkin’.

Ok, I keep getting off topic.  4th trimester…. yup, made it, and it seems after that 4th trimester, well, give or take a couple months, I found myself slowly creepily climbing back on the baby bandwagon.  Read that carefully people, BABY BANDWAGON, NOT BABY-MAKING BANDWAGON.  Instead of being all, omg, how will I go through this again, I was all, yeah.. I could totally do this again, and even, I want to do this again.  Yes, want, as in, desire.  K and I for sure want at least one more child, possibly two, and if you asked K, possibly three, though that seems a bit hectic and chaotic panic-inducing to me.  The thing is, I have one sibling, and always thought it would be cool to have one more (sorry broseph, you’re like, really cool and all, but…).  But then three siblings is an odd number, but four, while an even number, seems just WILD.  And expensive.

Another thing about my experience (and I’m merely talkin’ labour/birthing experience here) is that since I’ve given birth, I have been a crazy lady with research, reading birth stories, watching birth videos, reading birth plans.  I have already begun to create a birth scenario and birth plan for our next one.  I have visions of home births (or at least, doula-accompanied and major talked about “natural childbirth” plan with lovely doctor style hospital birth) dancing very rhythmically in my head.  But with that being said, there’s things I need to do, personally (physically, emotionally, etc) before we bring another life into this world.  There’s also this thing called time and age gap, both of which we want a decent chunk of.

Personally, I can’t imagine just having one child.  And I say that without any judgment (seriously!) on people who choose to stick with just one kiddo.  I just picture Cade and his brother(s) and/or sister(s) playing in the yard, setting up forts with miscellaneous items, and of course, with the aid of nature.  I picture them creating games and implementing their own rules, each helping the other how to figure out fairness and justice via an awesome game that they imagined and then put into action.  I picture them fighting and tattling on each other.  It makes my heart glow and beam so, so, so much.  I know we’re in for still more challenges and just ’cause we’ve made it through the 4th trimester (and well, an additional 4 months after that) it’s not that I think we are just totally good to go.  I just know that we can take on whatever challenge that this little dude is gonna present to us.  You deal with what you’re dished out, right, isn’t that how the saying goes?  Some people’s dish is piled high with medical needs, some people’s dish is piled high with super active toddlers who might as well be nicknamed Crash, and some people don’t even just get 1 dish, they get the whole friggin’ buffet.  Whatever it is, whatever it may be, we can do it, and you can too.  So with that, I say, bring on the kidlets.  But not too soon, will ya?

May 29, 2011 at 10:24 pm Leave a comment

4 Months & Counting.

When I said every day in March, what I really truly meant, was most days in March. I’m going to go out on a limb and say, in regards to this whole trying to post more thing, I’m doing great.

I cannot believe Cade is 4 months old already, nearly 4 and a half months.  At his check-up on March 7, he weighed 16 1/2 lbs and was 25 inches tall.  He’s over 2 feet tall, guys.  Gigantor baby, comin’ atcha!   He has grown an insane amount, and shall we take a moment to reflect on that with a photographic journey through the times:

Not long after being born.  Already sucking those fingers.  Probably already hungry.

Two days after entering the world and about to leave the 80’s decor decked out Victorian Suite at the RUH for our home sweet home with our precious little man.

Almost 1 month old and cute as can be.  Note: this is when he was still actually sleeping lots.

Two months old and the chins are growing and growing.  This picture is proof of a thriving boy.

Three months old and the smiles are pouring in, including this precious one captured by yours truly.

Just over 4 months old and sprawled out on the couch.  Such a boy.  Typical sleeping position for him – feet crossed and legs up.  He currently exhibits one of those characteristics – arms up – as he is snoozing so sweetly beside me.

4 months old and the most beautiful, touching and sweet expressions a momma could ask for in her little guy.

EDIT: Previous note re: Cade sleeping sweetly beside me is no longer.  I just sensed that I was being watched, and lo and behold, I looked down beside me to see a beautiful pair of light blue eyes staring up at me, as if to say, “Hi, Mom, I’m awake now.  I only needed a 10 minute cat nap and I’m good to go for a few more hours.”  Um, right.

So it’s been a third of a year, 4 months, which means less than 8 months left to go that I will be at home, full-time, with my boy and my pup.  I need to start looking into daycare more.  I have only made one phone call, which was not entirely successful in that she basically will be booked up by the time we need a spot for Cade.  The whole process terrifies the shit out of me.  I don’t want my boy to be cared for by someone else.  I don’t want to go back to work, knowing that I cannot stay home with him and hang out, smile, chat, learn.  But on the other hand, financially, I have to.  I’ve done some number crunching and there is essentially no way that we cannot have two incomes.  If we didn’t both carry the stupid debt loads that we do, it might be a possibility, but unfortunately student loans got the best of us, and now we’re paying for it.  But – at least we have something to show for it.  You can’t really put a price on education I don’t think.

Growing up, my brother and I never had to go to daycare as my mom always had a home daycare.  This is another reason why I am so terrified.  Couple that with the stories you hear about in the news of children dying from being shaken, and other ‘mysterious’ causes while attending daycare.  NOT COOL.  Like I said, I’m dreading it.  I know that my first week back at work is going to be incredibly rough and I can only hope my supervisor is kind enough to understand this and let me pour my tears out and grieve the loss of being a momma on maternity leave.

What have I learned so far from Cade?  So much that I don’t even know where to begin.  I have learned that I am an incredibly emotional and moody person when I am severely sleep deprived.  I have also learned that I get terribly irrational as well, and then I feel like the most terrible person in the world.  I know I’ve said it before, but there have been more than a handful of times where Kyle has been comforting and attempting to soothe both Cade and me at the same time.  Sigh.  I have also learned that I can parent and I can be a really good mom, though there are times where I am incredibly hard on myself and feel like I am doing everything wrong and that everyone is judging my wrongness.  I have learned that a baby boy’s smile and laugh are the most precious things ever and can make any bad day or depressed feelings dwindle away.  There is nothing more beautiful than seeing Cade light up at the stupid noises and faces and dance moves I make.  I have also learned that carrying around a baby can give me really strong arms, and that as said baby grows to be bigger and bigger, my arms grow to be stronger and stronger and so I don’t notice the weight increase as much.  I have learned that I can love a tiny little being with all of my heart and soul, and that I can bond with this being and know that I am doing all I can for this little sweet child.  I have learned that sometimes it may take awhile to truly, deeply, and genuinely feel this bond, but that it comes, and when it does, it knocks you off your feet and anything you thought was bonding before, well, not so much, ’cause this?  This is the REAL shit.  I have learned that I can handle crying.  This is a big one for me.  Before becoming a mom, I was terrified of dealing with crying.  I couldn’t stand when babies cried in the grocery store, in the mall, out in public.  It made me sad and it made me frustrated, like, c’mon, do something. I have learned that babies cry, and that most of the time, that baby either needs some food, some hugs, or some shut eye.  And that’s okay, because dude, babies cry in order to talk, in order to communicate with us, their providers.  I have learned that the support of friends and family is even more crucial when it’s no longer just you, when you’re taking on one of the biggest challenges ever – parenthood. It’s only been 4 months and I feel like Cade has given me the gift of Being Able To Stay Up All Night And Still Be Semi-Productive The Next Day, Possess The Most Love Ever For Baby Who Screams Til’ 4AM, and Fascination Over Baby Poop and Inclination to Converse and Become Excitable Over Said Poop.

It is hard to believe this sweet child can give me much more, because I really feel like he has given me everything already.

March 15, 2011 at 10:39 pm Leave a comment


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